How NOT to Get Published

So you wanna break into “the industry.” You’ve got a video camera, still camera, or have been known to put words together to form sentences. You’ve even started your own blog, and for your money, it’s way better than anything else out there. Maybe you’ve even managed to put together a full length video. Clearly you have what it takes to be the next (insert action sport here) media super star. You’re already crushing it with your facebook friends, but it sure would be nice to get published on a website that actually gets some traffic. So how do you do it?

Lucky for you, most major websites are desperate for content. They’ll pretty much post anything, and since your work is the sickest, it should be easy to get to them to run it. Rather than tracking down the appropriate contact and sending them an email about your incredible video/photo/event, the quickest and easiest way to make sure the target website knows about it is to tag them on facebook. Unfortunately, the “media” is often bad at facebook (or their profiles are run by interns with no clout) so this might not work. If it doesn’t, you’ll have to track down those email addresses after all. Clearly the quality of your work is not the issue, so you’ll be able to keep it simple. A link and a line more or less implying that ignoring you might be a bad idea will be fine, for example:

“here is my new video. hope you guys give me some attention.  thanks!”

Now sit back and wait. It’s only a matter of time before they gladly accept your work and you are rolling in the views!

…

Wait, what is this? They emailed you back and said, thanks, but no thanks. Your video/story/photo isn’t good enough?! How dare they. Now clearly the people running all major websites are morons, and wouldn’t know quality if it hit them over the head. So now you have a decision to make. Do you take their feedback, and make something better? Nah, that sounds hard, and you know what!? SCREW THEM!? How dare they not accept your first ever official submission!? There is really only one way to proceed and that is to let them know exactly what you think. For example:

“dude.  i just made ******* the movie.  you guys didnt post one thing about it. and i gave you guys a free copy.   dont talk to me about quality.  i see the crap you guys put up.”

You see how the deft combination of a guilt trip, with an insult added in for good measure really drives home the point of how hard they blew it? That’s what you need to do to make it in this cutthroat world of free internet content. So take these tips and use them as your path to fame, glory, and your rightful place in “the industry.” Good luck!