30-Something Reasons Colorado Sucks
It’s often been commented, “Yobeat hates Colorado.” So much so that it’s become a running joke every time we feature a CO edit. Now, it’s not entirely to say that we, the staff of Yobeat, hate the place – it has a few redeeming qualities. Southern Colorado terrain is insane, if you wanna ride parks they’re some of the best in the country, and you get drunk way easier at 10,000 feet. But that’s where it stops. The following are all the reasons the Silver State sucks.
1. Bros
You’re sure to run into your fair share of bros at any ski area, comes with the territory, really. But Colorado boasts a special brand of arrogant, drunk, legally-high assholes. Granted most of them are on probably there on vacation from Indiana, but they choose Colorado! That’s gotta say something.
2. Skiers
Skiers are everywhere and for the most part harmless, but in Colorado, they actually think they’re cool because they ski.
3. Long Traverses
Snowboarders at Vail literally ride with poles.
4. Lack of snow
Now I’m not talking about Southern Colorado, we all know Wolf Creek gets dumped on blah blah blah, but anyone who actually lives in Colorado can tell you those storms are few and far between. And half the time when it snows, the snow is too damn light to actually cover anything.
5. High Prices
$110 for a day ticket? $50 for parking? We’re good.
6. High altitude
Summit County is based around 9000 ft. The base lodge at Silverton is at 10k. As we mentioned before, high altitude is great for getting drunk efficiently, but it also makes it hard to breathe, makes putting on your boots the hardest thing ever, and makes it hard to sleep. But the biggest issue with the thin air is you just can’t think straight, which may explain why everyone in Colorado is such a kook.
7. Never Summer
Oh you make your snowboards in the US? Cool story. Remember when they tried to patent reverse camber?
8. Shitty avy conditions
When and if it does snow, the Colorado backcountry is downright treacherous. Stay alive out there, kids.
9. Rich people
With places that are expensive comes the people that can afford them. Now, aside from the “corest” kids, most snowboarders do come from means, but I’m talking about the shitty rich people. The ones that look down on you just because you haven’t taken a shower in a week and you like to have a beer on the first chairlift. Yeah them. Fuck them.
10. Nazi ski patrol
Cut a rope? Lose your pass. Go fast? Lose your pass. Have fun? Lose your pass. Now, as I personally know a ski patroller in Colorado who’s almost an alright guy, but there are just a few too many rules at the “big resorts” for me.
11. It’s cold as fuck
Oh cool, high of negative 5 today? Fuck you.
12. It’s flat as hell
This is of course, what causes the long traverses, but even the “steeps” of Summit County are ya know, pretty mellow.
13. Texans
They get even worse due to the lack of Oxygen.
14. Oxygen Bars
I’ve never been in one, but I assume it’s horrible. I mean, they have them in Los Angeles.
15. It’s windy, everywhere
Again, flat + tiny little excuses for trees make for the whipping wind experience that is an every day occurrence.
16. The lift lines at Breck and Keystone
Ever been to either place on a weekend? Then you know. You are better off just crushing your own skull under a large truck.
17. The Traffic on I-70
You know what’s the best part of a day riding in Colorado? The six hours you spend in traffic in I-70 to get there from Denver!
18. General Overhype
Local pride is real, so we get it. You love where you live and that’s why you live there. But would it kill you to just be honest with the other people. Hell, maybe it would keep some of them away and solve two of the aforementioned problems.
19. Vail Resorts
Nuff said.
20. Fake snow totals on the reports
Sure, maybe there are 7-inch drifts around your measuring stick, but what you actually mean is “a dusting.” While not entirely a exclusive-to-Colorado phenomenon, resort marketers seem to get extra creative in the Rockies.
21. 3.2 Beer
Yes, you can get real beer in the Liquor store or any of the 40,000 craft breweries, but damn it, I want to pick it up with my groceries, and that shit is 3.2. Worst part, unless someone tells you this, you can spend your whole vacation wondering why you’re not getting drunk, even at 10,000 feet.
22. Tourists on Weed
Tourists are the worst – always screwing up driving, getting lost, asking stupid questions. And in Colorado, they’re all high as hell. Good luck with that.
23. Every 13 year-old can double cork
It’s just not fair how good these little brats are.
24. Angry Snowboarder.
Just chill out, dude. Smoke some legal weed perhaps.
25. Legal Weed
It’s not that we’re not in favor of legal weed, as we just mentioned, but we’re pretty sure the feds blew up Leo’s just to prove a point. Not to mention the annoying bi-products that have come because of it such as dabs, oils, weed snobs, etc.
26. Mountain academy kids in general
Mountain Academies attract two types of people: rich kids who love to snowboard and rich kids who’s parents think they’re going to be the next Shaun White. And everyone knows, we don’t need another Shaun White.
27. Superpipes
Remember when we had 9′ halfpipes? That was fun.
28. CU Boulder
Frat boys, college kids, and all the shit that goes along with that.
29. People from the Midwest think it’s the only place you can snowboard
If you’ve never left the grain belt, and your only impression of snowboarding is movies like Out Cold and Cloud Nine, you probably don’t know there are more mountains on the other side of Colorado. And why would you care?
30. Made-for-TV contests
Oh good, ESPN is in town. Let’s jack up the prices and block off the streets! Remember the Dew Tour, it wasn’t all in Colorado, but it was obviously Colorado’s fault.
31. Long boarders.
We already explained that one. Click the link.
32. Moguls.
It’s a guarantee you will accidentally end up in a mogul field riding in Colorado if you don’t know where you’re going. And if you like riding moguls, well, I just don’t know.
32.5 Vail Resorts.
Yes, we know we already said that, but fuck. Come on, man.
God you sound like such a douche bag right now hahaha that’s right you Colorado fucks, the promised land you all moved to, actually blows dick
Wow you are happy.
Shut the fuck up you aren’t even the real churrboy, THE REAL churrboy offed himself after taking Yobeat too seriously
No way Jackson blows, tons of douches there, Montana is fun, pretty sure you forgot about British Columbia and Alaska mother fucker.
Define real job please I’m curious…ya go back to your cubicle you fuck
News flash:oxygen doesn’t actually do shit for altitude sickness, literally the only cure is to go down in elevation or enter a compression chamber. #anotherkookfromco
I’m from vail and I find this hilarious. There’s some truth here and it doesn’t offend me one bit.
Please, tell all your friends that colorado sucks. Seriously. You’re not wanted here. We are purposely being assholes because we want you to leave.
Oh your “from” vail. Cool story bro. You must be in ski club, and ride east vail everyday, and hit Pete’s stash between laps, then hang out at “the dude” to talk about how “epic” the pow was today. Go fuck your self
KC Kyle, you epitomize the breed of kook that moves to Colorado for a couple of seasons and physically moves on, although your mind never left. I hate myself for taking the time to respond to this shit. Furthermore, you write with the syntax and punctuation of someone who dropped out of a middle school in Kentucky.
Well wouldn’t you love Jackson then since you’re the biggest douche on yobeat? Ruroc wearing 13 yo are less of a douche than you are KC
I was talking the continental USA “mother fucker”
99.999999999% of your comments are retarded. Never funny or intelligent. Stay in KC you fucking flatlander kook.
Well atleast we didnt have to click to a new page to see each of the 30 points. That shit is lame
Don’t worry, no one wants too. I’d rather move to the Gaza strip
Did you really just say syntax, and epitomize on Yobeat? You sound like a recent college grad that can’t get a good job and is pissed because you just spent 100k for nothing…was it really worth sucking society’s dick for nothing?
You didn’t say continental 48 in your original comment, which was way too long anyways. And I love Kansas City, great place to hang in the summer. And don’t worry I’ll only be stopping by Colorado once this year, to take an illegal shit in the Forrest, then get back on the road headed to the last frontier.
Could yobeat do something on me soon please?
I noticed that there is a fuck yobeat shirt for sale on the site now. Did this article come out to trick Colorado boarders into supporting yobeat? I would buy one but fuck yobeat
If I had a nickle for every time Yobeat wrote a Fuck Colorado article I would have a shit ton of nickles.
I have your pro model. Will you please sign it for me?
Going on vacation to CO from Wisconsin is fun for like a day and then your just like,”I hate chairlifts, this takes to long to take a lap, why can’t I just drive to mcdonalds instead of paying for shitty ski area food? why doesn’t anyone talk to each other here? why is everyone so much better at jumps than me? Why do I have to wear a jacket? Why do I have to wear goggles?” It’s just is a pain.
You must be new here
Please, keep hating!!! We do not need anymore poser visitors in Colorado…. Stay away…please!
Dumbest dumbest countdown ever…every point is lost… clearly 3
Every point is made from a poor, dirtbag, who is “experimenting” with a lifestyle they wish they could understand and live:..poorest representation on things people dont know but what they want to think they know…good work colorado haters. You are lucky to know any of us or any thing of what life is and could be like
THE FIRST TIME I EVER WENT TO COLORADO WAS BACK IN 1990 WITH A WEEK LONG BRECKENRIDGE SHREDDING ADVENTURE (SLEEPING ON FLOORS WAS MY ‘TING) STAYING WITH A BRO OF MY FROM HIGH SCHOOL.
I TOOK THE PEAK 8 CHAIR UP ON MY AND IMMEDIATELY IT WAS A SURREAL EXPERIENCE FOR ME AT THAT TIME. ON THE LIFT ALSO WERE THREE OBVIOUSLY SPONSORED SNOWBOARDERS WHO TURNED OUT TO BE THE INFAMOUS COLLIER BROTHERS (J.J. & DAVE) FROM NORTH CAROLINA AND THEN VERTICAL SKATING & SNOWBOARDING PROFESSIONAL JIMI SCOTT.
ON THE WAY UP, WE ALL TALKED AND GOT ALONG WELL. I BEGAN FOLLOWING THEM DOWN THE MOUNTAIN THROUGH ALL OF THESE HAIRBALL LITTLE SNAKERUNS AND GLADED CONTOURS GOING FASTER THAN I HAD EVER BEEN. KEEPING UP WITH THEM WAS A CHALLENGE. I REMEMBER THINKING RIGHT THEN AND THERE THAT STYLE IS CLEARLY TANTAMOUNT TO GOOD RIDING. THEY KNEW HOW TO TURN THEIR SNOWBOARDS BETTER THAN I HAD PREVIOUSLY EVER SEEN BEFORE IN PERSON. I OWE THOSE DUDES PROPS FOR ALLOWING ME TO FOLLOW ALONG AND LEARN ON SITE FROM WATCHING THEIR UNIQUE APPROACHES TO ALL ONCOMING TERRAIN.
(JIMI WAS ON ONE OF THE UNRELEASED MYSTERY AIR BOARDS THAT DAY. ‘TWAS A VERY RARE OCCASION TO SEE THAT PARTICULAR BOARD OUT ON THE HILL. I WAS STOKED ON THE NEON ORANGE BASE LOGO.)
THEY ALL COULD DO LEGIT JAPAN TUCK-KNEES WHERE YOUR FRONT KNEE TOUCHES THE BOARD OR EVEN GOES BEYOND IT. THEY ALL ROCKED THE OAKLEY SHIELDS WITH ROSE OR YELLOW OR IRIDIUM LENSES AS WELL, WHICH WAS KINDA CUTTING EDGE STUFF AT THE TIME.
WHEN I GOT BACK FROM THAT TRIP, I CHOPPED MOST OF THE NOSE AND TAIL OFF OF MY K2 DAN DONNELLY, DRILLED 8 T-NUT HOLES, ADJUSTED MY STANCE BEYOND THE FACTORY OPTIONS, CUT DOWN MY HIGHBACKS & ADDED PADDING BY COVERING THE SERATED EDGES WITH DUCKTAP.
I PAINTED OVER THE ENTIRE TOPSHEET WITH AQUA BLUE SPRAY PAINT THEN GOT THE COARSE FILE OUT & ROUNDED MY EDGES ENOUGH TO NOT CATCH ON WOODEN RAILINGS AND BENCHES, READY TO JIB EVERYTHING AND ANYTHING.
THE NEW SKATEBOARDING ON SNOWBOARDS LIFE WAS ABOUT TO GET POPPIN’ AND I SAW IT ALL COMING IN ADVANCE.
The east coast will fuck you up the proceed to drink 25 beers before last call
Yeah, Mt. Hood doesn’t have any of that shit. No bros there….and I love shredding in the rain. Must be great in Oregon.
Brooke must not have gotten laid last time she went to colorado
Every time I go I have a good time. Light fluffy snow, and they measure the snow at mid – vail, so there’s more than you expect when you get up top . My friend’s boss out there is a complete dick though that won’t even ride with him cuz he’ll find out his secret spots lol.
In Colorado you need to be a resident to blaze
Cool fucking story
Wow, jersey shore? That’s all you got? Proof that you guys are literally stuck in 2007.
This article made my day. So much truth and yet, y’all still need to come ride here in the spring. Yes that’s a y’all…goddamn texans rubbing off on me.
WORD ‘EM UP.
MY BAD FOR LETTING THE FOLLOWING TYPOS SLIP BY:
1. “…THE PEAK 8 CHAIR UP ON MY FIRST DAY AND….”. (NOT ‘MY AND’)
2. “COVERING THE SERATED EDGES WITH DUCKTAPE”. (NOT ‘DUCKTAP’)
Umm, actually, the product is called duct tape. Ducktape is a brand name.
why is it I always see colorado plates in other states?? seems like you guys can’t wait to leave 🙂
this makes a buzzfeed lists seem insightful..
wats wrong with weed bi-products
Growing up on east coast and living in colorado this was pretty halarious. CO is awesome though, and impretty sure oregon is full of meth heads
OUT HERE IN THE STICKS WE CALL IT ‘DUCK’ TAPE BECAUSE WHEN YOU PULL A PIECE OF THAT TAPE OFF OF A ROLL IT SOUNDS LIKE A QUACKING DUCK….BUT SURELY YOU KNEW ABOUT THAT ALREADY.
ARE YOU ALSO AWARE THAT ‘DUCT TAPE’ IS THE ORIGINAL TERM FOR HVAC SYSTEMS SEALING TAPE? THAT KIND OF TAPE WAS VERY DIFFERENT FROM THE DUCK TAPE I USED AS IT WAS A MUCH THICKER, STICKIER, BURLIER, GNARLIER VERSION OF PROFESSIONAL CONSTRUCTION GRADE DUCT TAPE (WHICH WAS TOTALLY DIFFERENT FROM THE HVAC TAPE), AND IT WAS CRAZY TOUGH TO PULL OFF ANY ROLL WITHOUT MAKING THAT LOUD QUACKING DUCK SOUND…..
HENCE, MR.KNOWS, YOU ARE CORRECT IN ONE REGARD WITH THE DUCT TERM CORRECTION, YET CLEARLY NOT ON THE OTHER SITUATION WHICH MAY OR MAY NOT PREDATE YOUR BEING INTERESTED IN THE ARTS OF SLANG-CREATING-PROFICIENCIES.
I agree here. I’ve been to Hood, Tahoe, and Utah. This past year i finally went to Colorado in March hoping for either warm sunny slush days or some fresh snow because of a freak storm. I got neither. Just clouds and ice for 5 straight days. This definitely makes me biased i guess but i also got a bad vibe from Colorado. I couldn’t breath or sleep at night, tickets were $100+ at every major resort, and the drive from DIA to the mountains was just fucking long and boring. Colorado has no personality, its just bland with lots of rich pricks who care more about the apres ski restaurants and not the actual conditions of the mountain each day. I’d have to say that UTAH just tops all, cheap lift tickets, easy to get to the mountains from SLC airport, and the snow/conditions have always been good. All in all, fuck Colorado, i’ll never go back.
Oregonians aren’t in any position to call out another state for being flat.
Outside that the list seems pretty legit to this ex-Coloradoan.
false.
you’re an idiot.
skated leadville yesterday, might be the best park i’ve ever skated. gotta hand it to CO for the ridiculous amount of sick concrete parks they have.
Colorado doesn’t have hipsters? or Shitty weather? What Colorado are you living in? Or are you just too stoned to walk out your front door these days?
for real, I’d love to wear that shirt, but I refuse to pay money to Yobeat for a shirt that says Fuck Yobeat…
Yep summit county is da worst… No women, no snow, no drugs, long lines, only vail resorts. The one good thing is all the cool ass skiers and rollerbladers they so cool.
I moved to Denver from NC and Va a few months ago. CO has more yang energy, and I’m more of a yin person. Places are like people and have their own unique energies. I like good doses of trees, shade, grey days, privacy, quiet, and solitude. Colorado and it’s people vibe are active, doers, goers, busy, and the place is dry, sunny, and has wide open spaces. All yang. The houses tend to be very close together. I like a house with plenty of yard, privacy, shade, trees, foliage, and space from the neighbors. Colorado is a great place, but I miss more of the feminine yin energy elements back East as it better suits me. Hope to enjoy it for a couple of years, and head back home to a more serene, quiet, easy life.
Fugggg, is it too late to go back home?
No skateparks? We have the best fucking parks in the country. Team Pain BReckenridge…enough said.