30-Something Reasons Colorado Sucks
It’s often been commented, “Yobeat hates Colorado.” So much so that it’s become a running joke every time we feature a CO edit. Now, it’s not entirely to say that we, the staff of Yobeat, hate the place – it has a few redeeming qualities. Southern Colorado terrain is insane, if you wanna ride parks they’re some of the best in the country, and you get drunk way easier at 10,000 feet. But that’s where it stops. The following are all the reasons the Silver State sucks.
1. Bros
You’re sure to run into your fair share of bros at any ski area, comes with the territory, really. But Colorado boasts a special brand of arrogant, drunk, legally-high assholes. Granted most of them are on probably there on vacation from Indiana, but they choose Colorado! That’s gotta say something.
2. Skiers
Skiers are everywhere and for the most part harmless, but in Colorado, they actually think they’re cool because they ski.
3. Long Traverses
Snowboarders at Vail literally ride with poles.
4. Lack of snow
Now I’m not talking about Southern Colorado, we all know Wolf Creek gets dumped on blah blah blah, but anyone who actually lives in Colorado can tell you those storms are few and far between. And half the time when it snows, the snow is too damn light to actually cover anything.
5. High Prices
$110 for a day ticket? $50 for parking? We’re good.
6. High altitude
Summit County is based around 9000 ft. The base lodge at Silverton is at 10k. As we mentioned before, high altitude is great for getting drunk efficiently, but it also makes it hard to breathe, makes putting on your boots the hardest thing ever, and makes it hard to sleep. But the biggest issue with the thin air is you just can’t think straight, which may explain why everyone in Colorado is such a kook.
7. Never Summer
Oh you make your snowboards in the US? Cool story. Remember when they tried to patent reverse camber?
8. Shitty avy conditions
When and if it does snow, the Colorado backcountry is downright treacherous. Stay alive out there, kids.
9. Rich people
With places that are expensive comes the people that can afford them. Now, aside from the “corest” kids, most snowboarders do come from means, but I’m talking about the shitty rich people. The ones that look down on you just because you haven’t taken a shower in a week and you like to have a beer on the first chairlift. Yeah them. Fuck them.
10. Nazi ski patrol
Cut a rope? Lose your pass. Go fast? Lose your pass. Have fun? Lose your pass. Now, as I personally know a ski patroller in Colorado who’s almost an alright guy, but there are just a few too many rules at the “big resorts” for me.
11. It’s cold as fuck
Oh cool, high of negative 5 today? Fuck you.
12. It’s flat as hell
This is of course, what causes the long traverses, but even the “steeps” of Summit County are ya know, pretty mellow.
13. Texans
They get even worse due to the lack of Oxygen.
14. Oxygen Bars
I’ve never been in one, but I assume it’s horrible. I mean, they have them in Los Angeles.
15. It’s windy, everywhere
Again, flat + tiny little excuses for trees make for the whipping wind experience that is an every day occurrence.
16. The lift lines at Breck and Keystone
Ever been to either place on a weekend? Then you know. You are better off just crushing your own skull under a large truck.
17. The Traffic on I-70
You know what’s the best part of a day riding in Colorado? The six hours you spend in traffic in I-70 to get there from Denver!
18. General Overhype
Local pride is real, so we get it. You love where you live and that’s why you live there. But would it kill you to just be honest with the other people. Hell, maybe it would keep some of them away and solve two of the aforementioned problems.
19. Vail Resorts
Nuff said.
20. Fake snow totals on the reports
Sure, maybe there are 7-inch drifts around your measuring stick, but what you actually mean is “a dusting.” While not entirely a exclusive-to-Colorado phenomenon, resort marketers seem to get extra creative in the Rockies.
21. 3.2 Beer
Yes, you can get real beer in the Liquor store or any of the 40,000 craft breweries, but damn it, I want to pick it up with my groceries, and that shit is 3.2. Worst part, unless someone tells you this, you can spend your whole vacation wondering why you’re not getting drunk, even at 10,000 feet.
22. Tourists on Weed
Tourists are the worst – always screwing up driving, getting lost, asking stupid questions. And in Colorado, they’re all high as hell. Good luck with that.
23. Every 13 year-old can double cork
It’s just not fair how good these little brats are.
24. Angry Snowboarder.
Just chill out, dude. Smoke some legal weed perhaps.
25. Legal Weed
It’s not that we’re not in favor of legal weed, as we just mentioned, but we’re pretty sure the feds blew up Leo’s just to prove a point. Not to mention the annoying bi-products that have come because of it such as dabs, oils, weed snobs, etc.
26. Mountain academy kids in general
Mountain Academies attract two types of people: rich kids who love to snowboard and rich kids who’s parents think they’re going to be the next Shaun White. And everyone knows, we don’t need another Shaun White.
27. Superpipes
Remember when we had 9′ halfpipes? That was fun.
28. CU Boulder
Frat boys, college kids, and all the shit that goes along with that.
29. People from the Midwest think it’s the only place you can snowboard
If you’ve never left the grain belt, and your only impression of snowboarding is movies like Out Cold and Cloud Nine, you probably don’t know there are more mountains on the other side of Colorado. And why would you care?
30. Made-for-TV contests
Oh good, ESPN is in town. Let’s jack up the prices and block off the streets! Remember the Dew Tour, it wasn’t all in Colorado, but it was obviously Colorado’s fault.
31. Long boarders.
We already explained that one. Click the link.
32. Moguls.
It’s a guarantee you will accidentally end up in a mogul field riding in Colorado if you don’t know where you’re going. And if you like riding moguls, well, I just don’t know.
32.5 Vail Resorts.
Yes, we know we already said that, but fuck. Come on, man.
Hahaha, yes, comment board is getting as good as the article. Keep em coming Brooke, from an 11 year local if say the perspective is on point. Good for a laugh, and stereotypes are there for a reason kids…
I bet you were cool in Colorado!
Yes! Fuck washington. Stevens is blown out, baker is too far away without any fast chairs, and Crystal Mountain is full of bigoted ski patrollers and they hate fun. Let’s save people from the trouble of coming to Washington!
Summit county is where dreams go to die. Keystone has a really fun park though, probably the best in the nation.
Jerm you suck and you know it
Flippin Bird: the best thing to come out of Colorado.
Move to Vermont… everyone.
Forgot Dubstep
Tell ya what doesn’t suck. Living and being in the mountains. Pretty easy thing to pull off in CO. Beats the hell out of suckin down pollution!
Legal weed and stu lives there, so of course I’m gonna go there and vacation at the Holiday Inn. Shoulda posted Chickenbone’s edit instead of this.
Yeahhh! Keep the hate comin! If people are dumb enough to listen to you it means less (dumb) people on our resorts = more snow for us.
Thank god
Yobeat still sucks
How the fuck did Candygrind not make the list?
The oxygen bar and weed store in breck are the chyllest.
Brooke Mellow out
This may have been said (I’m too lazy to read all comments) but it sucks to live in but not to visit once in the winter and a few times in the summer.
THIS IS ALMOST THE FINAL STRAW WITH THE IDIOCRACY PERSPECTIVES THAT YOUR WEBAZINK IS CONTINUALLY TAKING.
YOU GUYS ARE DROPPING THE WHOLE BALL ON SNOWBOARDING IN GENERAL. YOU’RE MISSING THE COMMON DENOMINATOR (THE NUMERAL BELOW THE LINE IN A FRACTION).
SNOWBOARDING IS ONLY ABOUT AMAZING MOMENTS STACKING UP IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION. NOT THE WRONG ONES. ALL OF YOU FOOLS WHO ARE OUT THERE TO JUST CAUSE DRAMA ARE A BUNCH OF MISLED LEFTOVERS. TIGHTEN UP.
I’M ASHAMED OF EVEN VIEWING THIS SENSELESS NEGATIVITY AT THIS POINT. PEOPLE SNOWBOARD FOR BETTER REASONS THAN THIS ARTICLE PORTRAYS.
IS YOBEAT GOING TO BLOSSOM OR FLOP FROM IT’S OWN STATEMENTS? FIND YOUR TRUE CENTER AND BE POSITIVE ABOUT THIS INCREDIBLE ACTIVITY OF SHREDDING THAT BINDS US ALL, OR THINGS AIN’T GOING TO BE SEEMING SO TOLERABLE ON THE FANS FRONT.
WHY?
Truth
DISAGREEMENTS ARE AVAILABLE HERE.
kids in Africa would trade their sand hills for snow hills in a heart beat
bro. thats my game. fuck off
you dont know that.
Plenty of both dumb ass. O and lots of snow (you know like double Colorado’s) as a matter of fact I can hit the liquor store (drink anywhere), grab a bag of green, and ride the 500″ we get all at the same resort. But we all know why your really angry… No snow.
Forgot one thing we have a big steep mountain too, not a bunny hill.
Yeah and if you get caught with as much as a seed in that backward oppressive religious state they’ll throw your ass in jail for a long time. I avoid Utah at all costs. Still Colorado beats anywhere back east for shredding. Tiny hills back there. Silverton also doesn’t look too flat.
Breck and Loveland got more last year than anywhere in Utah. The only place it snows less in the west is California or Idaho.
consistent snowfall. AKA the most snow in the lower 48 4 years running. However that number doesn’t amount to the amount of snow lost to high snow levels and rain for weeks then turning the mountain to a sheet of glacial ice. Stay in Colorado. Moving out west is 2000 and late. Just hate from your couch in flatville midwest.
Paragraphs man, paragraphs!
Why bother?
How can you tell someone is a Colorado native?
Don’t worry, they will tell you
yobeat is a flop dude. Dont be sucha kook ok?!
9 inch pipe….giggity
Yessss so perfect. Literally 30 minutes ago I was explaining to someone how the elevation generates over-psyched kooks.
can’t help but to think this article was in response to the angry snowboarder beef. I know its summer, but no one needs to hear this kinda stuff c’mon u guys
Yeah, Colorado has a pretty shitty rep (admittedly deserving) but there’s some pretty lame stuff in Oregon that Colorado doesn’t have.
-Hipsters
-Shitty weather
-No legal weed
-Wet snow
And as if Hood and Bachelor don’t have
-Wind
-Bros
-Skiers
-Cold weather
thats right, no powder, no steep shit, ONLY kooks. No skateparks, no spots, no girls. Nowhere to find weed, no places that sell full strength alcohol. No homies.
Colorado is the worst.
Longboards? dont u mean Wrongboards?
But in a reality Never Summer is my biggest problem with colorado.. cuz never summer brings all the “bros”, 13 year old double corkers that well never hear of, kooks translates into…, CU boulder kids, traffic on I-70 and people from Denver can’t drive for shit, angry snowboarders and academy kids..
but I do still like Colorado..
Yes! Colorado sucks. Don’t come here, don’t vacation here. Please don’t ever ride these mountains. Our fluffy powder is fake, face shots don’t exist here. Our mountains are boring, our beer is shitty, our weed is schwag and our people are assholes. About time you all realize how horrible it is.
A Basin is pretty steep, maybe you should ride Pali for a season and quit bitching.
no, please, dont move to vermont.
Make a list about how much portland/hood sucks, bet its longer. Personally i hate anything not in new jersey
shut up dummy. this shit doesn’t amount to nothing, its just entertaining
“bisshh” you are dumb as fuck. Get that fake hard gansta “chit” out of here you shit squeezer.
This dude right here is where the hate from Colorado comes from. He is a token front range dbag. The whole front range is full of fucktard never summer fanboys who think they own the mountains because they happen to live in the same state.
FYI, no one who actually lives in the mountains of Colorado likes front rangers. The are all zumiez shopping gapers who each think they are the coolest person you will ever meet. They will say shit like “pow pow” on a 2″ day then describe how “epic” it was.
Brooke, you make fun of texans and tourist but I’d rather ride up a lift with them over a front ranger who vibes ya out and tells you they are from “here”, but actually live in Denver.
I 70 is a joke because of the front rangers. These sheepels flock up every weekend to act like douche bags and sit in traffic half the time.
As for the rest of the list; ya, pretty much can be found at every ski resort.
“Colorado is flat” yeah compared to what? the whole east coast/mid west is a hell of a lot flatter then Colorado. I haven’t seen a whole further west that is steeper either. Maybe you should learn how to ride a snowboard, then you wont even notice traverses
“Snow is to light” hahaha, thats about as dumb of a statement that can be made. West coast snow is wet as shit and the east coast ice is fucking horrible.
“Full of Tourist and gapers” yeah because that problem is only in Colorado, no tourists go anywhere else. What about the Asian invasion that takes place in cali every weekend?
“Lift lines are long”, just like at every other major resort on the weekends in america. Here is a suggestion, trying going somewhere that isn’t right off of I 70 on the weekends. How is this any different from the flood of Seattle dbags that go up to the mnts every weekend
“never summer sucks” I agree, and there fanboys suck also. But Lib Tech PNW fanboys are worse.
The PNW is full of hipster douches plain and simple.
As far as Utah goes, its fucking weird. I don’t care if you can buy beer and find weed. SLC is the least Mormon in the state and its still 50% Mormon. Utards is a real thing
In conclusion; Front Rangers suck, tourist suck, Yobeat sucks, pretty much everywhere sucks
I guess the only viable option is to move to Jackson or Montana… but I’m sure you hate it there too.
LITERALLY 30 mins ago I was explaining to someone how the whole east coast thinks they are hard as fuck because they have shitty mountains and snow but don’t leave. Yet, in fact the east coast is just one shit pile of sad and pissed off people. Go watch the Jersey Shore you kook.
Ummm your whole list is wrong, expect for the weed thing I think.
#18 is great! I live in Breck and we wouldn’t mind if some people stayed home.
Wow, Brooke Geery, the author of this mildly entertaining article is a cynical asshole. I have a feeling she lives in Tahoe.
Eat my shorts
Yep colorado really sucks.. Just stay in Texas, don’t come here. #keepsummitforlocals