30-Something Reasons Colorado Sucks
It’s often been commented, “Yobeat hates Colorado.” So much so that it’s become a running joke every time we feature a CO edit. Now, it’s not entirely to say that we, the staff of Yobeat, hate the place – it has a few redeeming qualities. Southern Colorado terrain is insane, if you wanna ride parks they’re some of the best in the country, and you get drunk way easier at 10,000 feet. But that’s where it stops. The following are all the reasons the Silver State sucks.
1. Bros
You’re sure to run into your fair share of bros at any ski area, comes with the territory, really. But Colorado boasts a special brand of arrogant, drunk, legally-high assholes. Granted most of them are on probably there on vacation from Indiana, but they choose Colorado! That’s gotta say something.
2. Skiers
Skiers are everywhere and for the most part harmless, but in Colorado, they actually think they’re cool because they ski.
3. Long Traverses
Snowboarders at Vail literally ride with poles.
4. Lack of snow
Now I’m not talking about Southern Colorado, we all know Wolf Creek gets dumped on blah blah blah, but anyone who actually lives in Colorado can tell you those storms are few and far between. And half the time when it snows, the snow is too damn light to actually cover anything.
5. High Prices
$110 for a day ticket? $50 for parking? We’re good.
6. High altitude
Summit County is based around 9000 ft. The base lodge at Silverton is at 10k. As we mentioned before, high altitude is great for getting drunk efficiently, but it also makes it hard to breathe, makes putting on your boots the hardest thing ever, and makes it hard to sleep. But the biggest issue with the thin air is you just can’t think straight, which may explain why everyone in Colorado is such a kook.
7. Never Summer
Oh you make your snowboards in the US? Cool story. Remember when they tried to patent reverse camber?
8. Shitty avy conditions
When and if it does snow, the Colorado backcountry is downright treacherous. Stay alive out there, kids.
9. Rich people
With places that are expensive comes the people that can afford them. Now, aside from the “corest” kids, most snowboarders do come from means, but I’m talking about the shitty rich people. The ones that look down on you just because you haven’t taken a shower in a week and you like to have a beer on the first chairlift. Yeah them. Fuck them.
10. Nazi ski patrol
Cut a rope? Lose your pass. Go fast? Lose your pass. Have fun? Lose your pass. Now, as I personally know a ski patroller in Colorado who’s almost an alright guy, but there are just a few too many rules at the “big resorts” for me.
11. It’s cold as fuck
Oh cool, high of negative 5 today? Fuck you.
12. It’s flat as hell
This is of course, what causes the long traverses, but even the “steeps” of Summit County are ya know, pretty mellow.
13. Texans
They get even worse due to the lack of Oxygen.
14. Oxygen Bars
I’ve never been in one, but I assume it’s horrible. I mean, they have them in Los Angeles.
15. It’s windy, everywhere
Again, flat + tiny little excuses for trees make for the whipping wind experience that is an every day occurrence.
16. The lift lines at Breck and Keystone
Ever been to either place on a weekend? Then you know. You are better off just crushing your own skull under a large truck.
17. The Traffic on I-70
You know what’s the best part of a day riding in Colorado? The six hours you spend in traffic in I-70 to get there from Denver!
18. General Overhype
Local pride is real, so we get it. You love where you live and that’s why you live there. But would it kill you to just be honest with the other people. Hell, maybe it would keep some of them away and solve two of the aforementioned problems.
19. Vail Resorts
Nuff said.
20. Fake snow totals on the reports
Sure, maybe there are 7-inch drifts around your measuring stick, but what you actually mean is “a dusting.” While not entirely a exclusive-to-Colorado phenomenon, resort marketers seem to get extra creative in the Rockies.
21. 3.2 Beer
Yes, you can get real beer in the Liquor store or any of the 40,000 craft breweries, but damn it, I want to pick it up with my groceries, and that shit is 3.2. Worst part, unless someone tells you this, you can spend your whole vacation wondering why you’re not getting drunk, even at 10,000 feet.
22. Tourists on Weed
Tourists are the worst – always screwing up driving, getting lost, asking stupid questions. And in Colorado, they’re all high as hell. Good luck with that.
23. Every 13 year-old can double cork
It’s just not fair how good these little brats are.
24. Angry Snowboarder.
Just chill out, dude. Smoke some legal weed perhaps.
25. Legal Weed
It’s not that we’re not in favor of legal weed, as we just mentioned, but we’re pretty sure the feds blew up Leo’s just to prove a point. Not to mention the annoying bi-products that have come because of it such as dabs, oils, weed snobs, etc.
26. Mountain academy kids in general
Mountain Academies attract two types of people: rich kids who love to snowboard and rich kids who’s parents think they’re going to be the next Shaun White. And everyone knows, we don’t need another Shaun White.
27. Superpipes
Remember when we had 9′ halfpipes? That was fun.
28. CU Boulder
Frat boys, college kids, and all the shit that goes along with that.
29. People from the Midwest think it’s the only place you can snowboard
If you’ve never left the grain belt, and your only impression of snowboarding is movies like Out Cold and Cloud Nine, you probably don’t know there are more mountains on the other side of Colorado. And why would you care?
30. Made-for-TV contests
Oh good, ESPN is in town. Let’s jack up the prices and block off the streets! Remember the Dew Tour, it wasn’t all in Colorado, but it was obviously Colorado’s fault.
31. Long boarders.
We already explained that one. Click the link.
32. Moguls.
It’s a guarantee you will accidentally end up in a mogul field riding in Colorado if you don’t know where you’re going. And if you like riding moguls, well, I just don’t know.
32.5 Vail Resorts.
Yes, we know we already said that, but fuck. Come on, man.
Shit’s played.
Those NwvwrSummer fanboys love to beat that “made in America” drum. Don’t ask them about their boots, googles, bindings, or outerwear tho…
Wow. This is a far cry from the other “reasons places other than I love suck” pieces that have come out of yobeat. This reads less as satire and more of the complaining of a bitter self-righteous b*tch. It’s not so much that you’re identifying some valid points, yeah it’s pricy and lift lines are long and the terrain can be mellow (go ride a-basin for a change), but so much of this seems like a laundry list of telling an entire region and the people who live there, “go get f*cked” Personally, I don’t get why you, as a publication that covers snowboarding across a wide regional spectrum, would potentially alienate people on something as petty and superficial as where they live. Did it not cross your mind that most people that visit this site and support your business are not from Oregon? Perhaps maybe that they like living where they have chosen to call, even temporarily, a home? I guess I would close by asking you; how would you feel if you came onto snowboardermag and read a piece by Pat Bridges about 30 reasons why yobeat was a tarnish on our integrity as a self-respecting snow culture as a whole? You can do better than this, probably without the self-loathing too.
this is really stretching for content. not to mention most of these points are idiotic in nature. i like colorado. peace.
Yes they use an UnAmerican search engine….
Come on dont be so butt hurt over Avran. Noone actually likes that dude. Most of these are spot on, but you can always find your ways to avoiding them. The bros suck, but the nightmare crew is pretty solid and keeping a cool scene going. Man fuck Avran and all the summit county bros. but keep posting articles like this, we don’t want more self entitled douchebag transplants in summit. Oh yeah FUCK TEXANS
Yea Colorado sucks,
Everyone go to Utah (where there isnt even liquor store’s or weed) or Tahoe, where snow used to be a thing that happened.
Yeeesh Brooke, really running out of things to write about. Too cold? It’s winter…it’s cold everywhere. Winds? Yes, you are on top of a mountain, it will get windy. Vail? No one likes Vail, we all know that. High altitude? No we’re just crying over spilled milk. Legal Weed? No you are just dragging your face across said spilled milk. Oh and shameless tossing of Angry back into your “hate system” again, weaksauce.
I think everyone at yobeat is bummed about CO because none of them could hit any of the rails or jumps at breck or Key
Colorado: At least we’re not California.
Your Colorado is showing!
Some valid points for sure, but I could think of 101 reasons Yobeat sucks. Jerms counts as 20 of them
You’re a goon, i assure you there are liquor stores and weed in Salt Lake.
You’re a goon, i assure you there are liquor stores and weed in Salt Lake.
Nevada is the Silver State, you butt nuggets.
I think you’re missing the entire point of Yobeat. In fact, I think you’re missing a good portion of snowboarding and why it’s fun.
Hey, don’t tell people these things. Do you want another Colorado? ‘Cause that’s how you get another Colorado.
Seriously tho Brooke just let me enter your bhole and I will change your feelings on Colorado.
Also, nice diverse array of pictures taken within a 150 foot radius at Vail. My 12 year old stepbrother uses more proper syntax.
HAHA YES!! These are spot on! You could have ripped on NeverDanker a lil harder But you know what doesn’t suck about CO? The skateparks! Brooke there are hundreds of 2ft quarters to battle on.
Utah definitely has liquor stores and a whisky distillery, not too hard to find weed either.
Damn! You’re softer then babies breath. Need a tissue to cry on?
Most the things on that list you can apply to any ski resort. I live and will always be on the east coast, cause lets face it, were hard as fuck. Its fucking cold and windy as shit here. There are mogul’s, superpipes, slow skiing signs, weed snobs, jocks, rich academy kids, weekend traffic, lift lines and expensive ass tickets. Skiing and snowboarding is a rich white man sport lets not forget that. Ive ridden copper, breck and a-basin and they were all sick as fuck.
the main reason yobeat thinks this is due to the overwhelming number of shittily filmed edits with wack music choice (in their opinion) that are coming from the people of Colorado. I think the Colorado filming renaissance is among us so stay tuned folks.
get of pat’s tip
yo fuck colorado. shit is cold.
Brooke you are a complete idiot!
Colorado Does Suck! Don’t Come here!
Liquor stores that close at noon and if you get caught with A joint your looking at prison time.. JOKEASS
Grow a pair!
I’ve yet to see one comment on this post that may not have been posted by a teenage girl having her first period…maybe the west coast is full of a bunch of babies…if you’re dead set on where you live being the “best place on earth” to ride, you’re doing it wrong…keep exploring & you’ll see where this article is coming from!
Write one of these about Washington, make it sound serious with great points and maybe everyone will stop moving here
“Remember when we had 9? halfpipes? That was fun.
9” or 9′? did you really ride a 9 inch halfpipe?
I want my 2 minutes back
I hate you so much brooke
Love you bb, fuck co., y’all kooks stay there.
I think you’re supposed to stay anonymous when u bitch about something you have no idea about @yobeat
Brooke gave my wiener dogs an ad a year ago on YoBeat and they’re from Colorado. That doesn’t suck.
I just think it’s sad,snowboarders are already judged on so many different things as is,now there is snowboarders judging snowboarders…. What happend to throwing up methods,high fives and spraying skiers??
I bet you cried like a little bish while you wrote this too you pussy. Why didn’t you include your name in the article so we could pinpoint who’s sorry ass wrote this chit.
“It’s not that we’re not in favor of legal weed, as we just mentioned, but we’re pretty sure the feds blew up Leo’s just to prove a point. Not to mention the annoying bi-products that have come because of it such as dabs, oils, weed snobs, etc.”
the fuck is your problem with making hash cuhh
I am a native Coloradoan and I think this is hilarious. I also love Colorado, it’s a great place if you know where to go and when. Reading these comments makes me sick though. Who cares if someone that you have no relation to what so ever doesn’t like Colorado? If you like it, then enjoy it. Someone that doesn’t like it doesn’t threaten your whole enjoyment, or at least shouldn’t. This shit is written to attract readers. Take off your colorado flag garb and learn to take a joke. Jesus fucking Christ!
hahahahah,I fcking love this!
We did coin the term Powder Sucks here.
I wish bloggers who have nothing to say and no talent with which to say it would just go and find a real job already and quit clogging up the internet with garbage.
I know making lists is the currently approved method of cranking out borderline spam that passes for shareable content, but this is as lazy and uncreative as they come. This girl would be stretching her talents to write a shopping list.
[copied from my response on reddit where this article was shared]
I mean ya it was funny the first time yobeat bagged on co. Just beating a dead horse now. A dead horse that’s already been beat a few times. It’s been a slow summer for yobeat.
Wait so you complain about high altitude and oxygen bars. You do realize the reason you have such troubles is probable #1 cuz you are fat and #2 you lack oxygen. Which is why there are oxygen bars in Colorado.. Never been in one? Well you don’t have to go to the bar but you can get canisters to help with your altitude sickness
Yeah!!! Colorado sucks! Nobody should come here. The skiing and snowboarding suck compared to anywhere else where the mountains are with in an hour drive. The weather sucks. The sun is shining over 330 days a year and it is so sunny the abundance of vitamin D will make you sick. Feeling sick from the altitude? Take an Advil because even though weed is legal it is lame to smoke it. “There is no hope with dope.” -Zack Morris.
hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
you must be new around here
I’m honored that even after being fired from Yobeat people still talk about me.