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Summer in Portland can be deceiving. It’s sunny every day, there are insane skateparks a plenty and if you want to snowboard, it’s totally a possibility. Life is easy. Everyone is nice, the scenery is beautiful, and holy shit is there a lot of stuff to do. It’s perfect enough that you might be tempted to move here- especially if you’re from somewhere shitty. But don’t be fooled. Portland is really a horrible place to live, and even more so if you’re a snowboarder. Here are just a few of the reasons you definitely should not consider moving here full time, if at all.

whatisyourporpoise

Terrible puns are a part of daily life. 

1. It rains all the fucking time. Have you ever been in a place where everyone suffers from seasonal affective disorder? It ain’t fun and from November to March, get used to it.

burnside

You will be horrible at skating Burnside. 

2. The mountain is far away. I mean, far is a relative term, but driving an hour and 15 minutes both ways (sometimes 4 hours if the snow level is low and it’s a weekend) is a serious commitment and really kills your whole day. Plus, on powder days you have to get up at like, 6 am. Gross.

hineigbor

Passive aggressive assholes are everywhere. 

3. Mt. Hood is flat. There’s a ton of traversing most of the good stuff is super short with really long in and outruns. It really requires calf strength and is super annoying.

sassys

You’ll be too busy looking at strippers to get anything done. 

4. Drivers suck. For a city where no one is willing to make the first move at a four-way stop and the speed limit on the highway is 55 mph, the rate of wrecks is out of control. If you ride a bike regularly, you will get hit from time to time, and if you’re trying to navigate the streets using your cell phone, you’re only adding to the problem.

weed

You’ll be forced to watch the X Games while you’re buying weed. 

5. The snow is heavy. This year it never even really got cold enough to snow. I mean, that’s not normal, but it could be the NEW NORMAL. Either way, you only get a few light powder days a year. What the shit is that?

IMG_3574

You can’t even get gluten in your lap dances!

6. Everyone will hate you. Even though pretty much everyone in Portland is a transplant, nothing gets more eye rolls than when you say you “just moved here from California.” Sure, there’s irony in the self-loathing, but once you’ve been here more than a year, you’ll understand and begin to hate yourself too.

scooters

The parks are filled with scooters!

7. It’s not a snowboard city. There’s too much to do here to really wanna dedicate the amount of time and effort it takes to drive to the mountain. Snowboarding is a full day, where as even if you’re old and lazy like me, there are fun mellow parks you can skate and pretend you’re “exercising,” and still have time to day drink.

swimming

The swimming holes are way too crowded. 

8. It’s not that cheap anymore. The five-year-old dream of moving to Portland, splitting a house with eight of your closest friends from Craigslist so you can pay $200 each a month for rent is dead. Even though rent has gone up dramatically, wages and potential for gainful employment haven’t. Also, while most bars still have beers for $2, a lot don’t!

sqirrel

Even the squirrels in Portland are lazy. 

And that’s really just scratching the surface. If you’re looking for a new place to live the shred dream, we hear Denver is the spot. Whatever you do, don’t move to Portland.

Screen Shot 2015-07-31 at 10.29.17 AM

You’ll be part of the problem. 

http://www.dontmovetoportlandoregon.com/

l

Location: 82nd Ave at Spring Water Corridor
Number of Carts: A lot
Covered: Yes
Obligatory Score: 1
http://www.cartlandia.com/

Despite it’s adorable kitschy name, Cartlandia is about the least “Portlandlandia” place in Portland. Yes, it claims “bike-centric” and is on the Springwater Corridor — a Portland-y bike path lined with wild blackberries– but the PDX stereotypes end there. There are tons of carts, but this must be the cheapest place to rent space in Portland, because is seems it’s mostly people who probably shouldn’t own restaurants and are just “trying it out.” Some I’ve tried are fine, but certainly not food you’d drool over and want to seek out again.

My biggest issue with this place is the sheer number of carts. I NEVER know what I want for lunch (hence the Lunch blog – it was supposed to provide direction) so I’ve already suffered with one decision by the time I make it to Cartlandia. Then I get there and have to decide all over again. To make matters worse, there’s always new carts which means I have to walk by awkwardly and try and look at the menu without actually talking to people. (For some reason I feel bad when I don’t get their food if I’ve spoken to them, ok.)

As far as genres go, like you’d expect on 82nd ave, there are a bunch of Thai places. There’s also a few carts representing various Central American countries, and at one point there were two Hot Dog carts. There’s a crepe and wrap place, and pizza. There’s also a sloppy cart that I’ve never seen open. Oh and there’s a British Pastys cart that I almost forgot about. I’m just not interested in bready English food, sorry. Anyway, it changes a bunch so for the current list go here.

Anyway, once that is taken care of and I get food, the atmosphere feels much like the county fair. I mean, I don’t really know what else I’d expect from a cart pod on 82nd. They have a beer garden with giant blaring TVs, you’re sitting in a shitty parking lot surrounded by like shady car mechanics, and there are tons of tables full of normal, non-hip people eating with the occasional tweaker mountain biker thrown in for good measure. Finally, with so many carts, the whole place smells like fried food.

My hope is that it will get better, as now that I am an 82nd aver, I’m cheering for urban sprawl and redevelopment. According to the Cartlandia blog they just cleared out 7 new spaces maybe someone will put an epic cart in there, but for right now, Cartlandia is kind of a bummer. Oh shit, I just came up with the best idea! Maybe they should start hosting Bingo there, really play off the fair theme! I heard that’s getting hip again on the news, which is where I learn about everything hip, so it could work to be the tipping point for 82nd. Just an idea.

 

If you haven’t heard about Portlandia yet, you should first watch and enjoy this incredibly accurate portrayal of the fine city I call home. It’s true, this place is a freak show, which is what makes it such a great place to live, and I’m happy I’ve come here to retire. Speaking of patently Portland things, yesterday I finally checked out the new DIY ‘crete in Southeast. When I heard about this place (via the Mercury) it made me realize just how detached I’ve become from skateboarding in Portland. Seriously, how ridiculous is it that I only found out about this spot, mere feet from the former location of this ramp, by reading about it in the paper. (In defense of my belief that print is dead, I didn’t actually read it in the paper edition, but rather saw a link on a blog.)

Anyway, yesterday morning we wanted to snowboard, but apparently when you buy a $200 pass, it’s not good during “peak times,” including this week and next, so instead I took advantage of the brief sunshine and practiced my detached boarding. It’s still a lot harder than snowboarding, and this spot is not exactly user-friendly. Challenging, would be a good word. This is not to say that I will not be back, as it fits into my two-foot-or-less requirement, and also is just challenging enough that pulling off my half-assed tricks is really exciting. Please enjoy this iPhone photo of one of those half-assed maneuvers, which Jaredsouney.com was kind enough to capture as he froze his ass off waiting for our first trip to the new H & M.