Writing – Photos – Travel – Crafts

Every so often, I write something offensive. Something that’s just mean, or uncalled for, or whatever. This was not one of those times. No, this time I wrote a review of a children’s book about snowboarding formatted as a third-grade book report and purposely written to sound that way. Well, the publishers of said book apparently didn’t like my review. Rather than just ignoring it, which would have been the appropriate response, they sent me the following email:

Hello Brooke Geery,

I am a legal representative for the Adventure Zoo Crew. Recently we found that you wrote a very dishonest article on one of our books “Sammy the Shredder”.

Not only was your story poorly written, but its obvious you have yet to be sued for defamation of character, calumny, slander, aspersion, or obloquy. We don’t mind internet trolls, but when you blatantly lie, “Also, Sammy’s big bro seemed like kind of a jerk making Sammy hit boxes and ride tree lines on his first day boarding.” that is seriously a cause for concern.

This email is to notify you that your story must be taken down immediately! Once this story is taken down, we will need a “retraction” for your lies.

Please know our attorney’s take this very seriously. If this story is not taken down, and your retraction is not received, we will be pursuing any/all legal measures. Also, we will be notifying ANY company that sponsors or is affiliated with your site (YoBeat) as they are now an accessory to Slander, Libel, Calumny, Vilification, and/or Defamation of Character. Every day this story is on your site, more and more damages occur. It has now been up for over 3 days.

Lastly, we don’t want to be affiliated with you, or a site like yours, we like positive things and positive people. We are a family business. We look forward to your retraction and putting this unfortunate incident behind us.

Thank You,
P.J. Glen (AZC Legal)

While I applaud their ability to use wikipedia and find big words to try and scare me, my own semester of press law (and ya know, logic) makes it pretty clear this is a load of crap. And what the fuck does “legal representative” mean? Anyway, I wrote back:

I’m sorry you did not like the story. It was not meant to offend, in fact, Yobeat is a highly sarcastic site that makes fun of everything and anything having to do with snowboarding. But since you don’t seem to be very familiar with “defamation of character, calumny, slander, aspersion, or obloquy” allow me to explain how it works. First I would have to post an actual untruth. “Also, Sammy’s big bro seemed like kind of a jerk making Sammy hit boxes and ride tree lines on his first day boarding” is actually an opinion statement, not a blatant lie. Even if it was a lie, you would then have to show intent to harm, which judging by the link to download the book at the end of the article, I’m thinking you might have some trouble doing.

So, instead of threatening legal action, perhaps you should appreciate the free publicity (and considering I PAID for the book, the sale) and realize that your book just got mentioned on one of the most trafficked snowboarding sites on the web, with many readers who are parents and may very well be interested in purchasing this book.

However, I will definitely take this into consideration before ever bothering to mention Adventure Zoo Crew again. Don’t worry, it won’t happen.

Now again, you’d think they could just leave well enough alone, but no, I got yet another email.

Ms. Geery,

That is just one falsity in your story. Its unfortunate you have put your pride before your business sense.

Maybe you should speak to a lawyer before you try to act like you know the law? But that is up to you. I don’t know you or your site, but I am happy to hear it is very popular as this will strongly affect the amount of damages you have caused and continue to cause. This actually works better for us! Thank you.

Again, we’ve tried to handle this amicably. I assure you we will vigorously defend ourselves.

We will wait to see if your article is taken down today, if not then we will let your sponsors and the courts decide.

Best,
PJ Glen
AdventureZooCrewLEGAL@gmail.com

Believe it or not, this was getting a little old. Now I could have pointed out that they would be the plaintiff in this case, not the defendant. Or I could have pointed out that personal attacks are hardly “handling this amicably” but instead I just said fuck it and took the post down. Problem solved, right? Wrong.

Ms. Geery,

Since the article was seen by as many people as you have claimed “your book just got mentioned on one of the most trafficked snowboarding sites on the web, with many readers who are parents and may very well be interested in purchasing this book” we are sure there have been damages caused by your biased article. Its obvious by the comments below, you have damaged AZC, and intentionally stopped individuals from purchasing our product.

Now that this article has been removed, we will need your a written retraction. Once received, we can than decide if we can put this incident behind us.

We expect your “written” retraction within (7) days.

Please send your retraction too…

ATTN: PJ
P.O. Box 1062
Acton, CA 93510
United States

Best,
PJ Glen

Wow guys. I’m really not sure what value, if any, me sending a retraction to some PO box would do, so instead I figured I’d dial up Yobeat’s legal counsel. He pointed out a few more things I hadn’t even thought of.

1. It’s illegal to represent yourself as a lawyer if you are not one. And if our friend PJ is actually a lawyer, that’s just a scary statement on the California legal system.
2. They are in California and I am in Oregon, making this a federal case. You guys are gonna sue me in Federal Court?
3. It’s called the first amendment.

So, as you an expect, the post is back up and will soon be pushed into Internet oblivion. As for Adventure Zoo Crew. Well, they’ll be receiving a letter from my lawyer any day now.

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The Adventures of Sammy the Shredder is a new book from the Adventure Zoo Crew, aimed at little kids. In order to make sure I’m not missing any of the key points, I opted for a book report format, and since it’s been awhile I used an outline from Wikihow. Here’s everything you need to know about this touching tale of ‘boarding.

Author: Brian Allen and Tawnya Schultz
Illustrator: Jennifer Jeffries Ryan

This book is about Sammy, a young bear who is learning to snowboard. This book told the story of Sammy’s first day boarding and was filled with action such as Sammy getting ready to board, hitting his head cause he doesn’t know how to turn and watching his big bro and friends do sweet moves. He gets some help from his big brother, a bunch of woodland creatures and also a little encouragement from an O.G. shredder bear.

I’d have to say my favorite character was the OG dude Sammy rides the lift with, cause he was very wise. Also the dude who nailed a board slide while Sammy hung out and watched seemed alright too. I really didn’t care for the raccoon who was basically just hanging around the whole time and not doing much helpful. Also, Sammy’s big bro seemed like kind of a jerk making Sammy hit boxes and ride tree lines on his first day boarding.

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I didn’t really understand why they insisted on calling it “shredding.” I mean, they could have name the bear anything, and Bobby the Boarder has a rally nice ring to it. Also, Sammy the Shredder may confuse small children who’ve picked it up based on the fact it claims to “teach the basics of snowboarding” and then proceeds to have several fallacies about the sport within its pages.

At the end of the book, Sammy successfully makes it down a tree run and is clearly hooked for life. It was really heart warming to see him overcome his head injury and get back on the board!

You can download the book here as a digital download or buy it at a Burton store near you.

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A mere two weeks into his summer-long mission to exist in a van in Gov’y, Stan messed up a 360 on a side hit, sent it to his shoulder and broke his collarbone. Despite my explanation that collarbones are basically a useless bone and he should get a sling and head back up there, he’s too hopped up on pain killers to be of any use. Which means in order to give you, the public, the full experience this summer, I packed the van with Jared, Lemmy and Intern RJ and headed up to face the front lines myself. Here is what I discovered.

DylanThompson_DarcyBacha-640x426Dylan Thompson. photo: Darcy Bacha

1. The Brown Snow is Ok!

A lot of people have been noticing that the snow is looking awfully brown, awfully early this year. With all the gloom and doom about global warming, I wanted to set the record straight, so I asked Hood’s longest standing snowboarder, Tim Windell the deal. While yes, the brown in the snow is dirt, it’s not coming from the ground beneath the snow, rather blowing in off the nearby rocks. The windier the weather, the earlier the brown out. Tim predicts this will be an especially dirty August, so good to know if you’re into that sort of thing. And for the worrywarts like Al Gore, there’s about 180 inches of snow under the camps, so never fear, summer boarding isn’t going the way of the dinosaurs (yet.)

jakeJake Blauvelt enjoys a delicious volcano cone.

2.Pro Spottings.

As usual it’s a who’s who of snowboarding up there. If you’re into pros, the top dogs you may spot lurking right now include Jake Blauvelt (who’s nephew is also going to High Cascade), Leanne Pelosi, The Helgasons, Temple Cummins and Barrett Christy (their eldest son Colt is enjoying his second year at camp) and more. Speaking of little brats, Red Gerard and Toby Miller can be seen frequently terrorizing the streets on bicycles.

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Red Gerard gets the full hook up. Everyone else gets a deal too!

3. Street Vending is fun!

We posted up the Stan-less Van with some of the new Yobeat apparel including tanks, koozies and five panels (also available here) and harassed away. When High Cascade owner Kevin English walked up I thought we were busted, but he let us continue to pedal our wares. Thanks Kevin! Based on sales, we’re pretty sure the koozies are the must have accessory for summer and people definitely want to shut up and get rad while party boarding. Look for the van up there again soon and get your own gear, or pick some up at yobeatapparel.com

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Colton, Jesse and Andrew on the way to make the drop.

4. RIP Drake Aron Edwards

Since July 10th was Drake’s birthday (if you don’t remember he’s the High Cascade counselor who tragically passed away in a car wreck last winter) it was only appropriate to premiere Colton Morgan’s movie D.A.E. Under Dawgs, which was made in tribute to Drake. A board signed by everyone at High Cascade and more was also presented to Drake’s brother. As for the movie, we’ll it’s tons of awesome boarding by some of your favorite up and comers. “It’s about friendship,” Colton said, but when unable to explain what the meant Jesse Gouviea chimed in. “It means, riding and filming with people because you want to, not because you have to.” The movie will be out on DVD soon eventually so the rest of the world can see. However, when asked what a DVD was Colt also had trouble explaining.

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Wanna pick up babes in Govy? Get a puppy. Colleen Quiggley and Leanne Pelosi agree.

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These dudes should take notes. Ben Bilocq, Johnny Brady, Ted Borland and Chris Cloud.

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Methods are like the ultimate trick. No matter the size or shape of the hit, a good one looks good. Brandon Cocard.

When you’re as big time as Bode Merrill, you can more or less snap your fingers and get a bunch of the best snowboarders new and old to shlep their asses to Hood and ride in your contest. It doesn’t hurt that the contest is held in one of High Cascade’s most fun features to snowboard on – the mini pipe. Now, a little bit of history, halfpipes all used to be mini pipes. Then they started adding vert and height and pretty soon we ended up with 22 foot behemoths no normal person would ever want to ride. But everyone can have fun in a mini pipe.

IMG_7745Riding a mini pipe is almost as fun as having Aaron Blatt feed you string cheese.

The field was stacked with the dudes — Grendys, Jaegar Bailey, Forrest Bailey, Alek Ostreng, Ted Borland, Ben Biloq and Scott Blum to name a few and one chick (Desiree Melancon). Bode also made sure to add some “classics” like Pat Bridges, Colin Langlois, Nate Farrell and Russell Winfield in the mix. To add to the 90s flavor, DJ Matty Mo was spinning classics from NoFX, Lagwagon and Offspring and the degrees spun topped out at 720. Between his runs, Bridges joined Castro on the mike to make jokes about 90s riders, Justin Hostynek filmed with film and wore what appeared to be the first Vans boots ever made and nostalgia was alive and well.

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Some dudes may or may not have been tripping, but Cory Rosenthal was definitely tweaking.

Since a mini pipe doesn’t really lend itself to amplitude and technicality, this contest is really about style. That didn’t stop some shit from going down. Enough cripplers were tossed to make Gretchen Bleiler swoon, Cody Rosenthal stomped an alley-oop backside rodeo I assume in honor of Peter Line, and Worm was tossing huge 720s, unfortunately forgetting mini pipes only have a few feet of tranny. Bode made a valiant effort to win his own contest, but a faceplant in his run didn’t really do it for the judges. Scott Blum’s second run was a definitely crowd favorite — consisting of some highly technical lip tricks linked together with his undeniable style.

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Johnny Brady went higher than I thought he would.

The eager crowd had to wait patiently for the official results, announced by Bode-man himself on the High Cascade street course. What this actually means is I went back to Portland, but as you may know, Stan is living in Gov’y in a van, so I’ll let him take this from here.

OFFICIAL RESULTS:

Honorable Mentions: J-Rob and Ben Bilocq

Best Hand Plant: Scott Blum.
Apparently the trick is called the T-bag. All I know is, it’s potentially never been done before in a hand plant, and he twisted himself in some crazy ways. In part I feel as though I helped him out because he borrowed my Airblaster leg bag before his run. I can only assume he is buying me drinks tonight.

Crab Grab Award: Cody Rosenthal for THEE most proper suitcase grabs anyone ever saw.

Sick Flip: Brandon Cocard

Best Crash: Bode Merrill If you are following my live feed on twitter, you would know that I called that.

3rd Place: kyle lopiccolo
2nd Place: Brandon Cocard
1st Place: Scott Blum

Bonezone

Now that there’s no snow in the woods, this is actually a great time to start building your own spot. Everyone cool has one — a place where they can go work on their moves without the scrutiny of park hussies, as well as smoke weed with their bros and make sick edits. Here’s a guide to making that dream a reality.

First things first, you’re going to need a chainsaw. Since you’re poor, your only option is to steal one. Hopefully your dad has one, cause he’s the easiest target. Just get him drunk. The most sure fire way to make this happen is by being a giant piece of shit, so much so that Pops is forced to turn to the bottle to cope with what a piece of shit his kid is. A face tattoo is a good way to start. Now that you have an alcoholic father, things might be rough at first, but eventually he will pass out long enough for you to rummage through the garage and find a chainsaw. Good news, you now have a chainsaw. Bad news. Your dad is a mean drunk and you do NOT want him to realize you stole this thing. Things could get ugly. So your next step is to frame someone in the neighborhood. This is as simple as cutting down a tree in the yard of the neighbor your dad likes the least. He’ll have no trouble blaming them. Now you’re ready to head out into the woods and start building. Since we’re kinda useless when it comes to actually using our own two hands, we tracked down the purveyors of Utah’s most famous Bonezone, Ted Borland and Alex Andrews.

Step 1 – FIND YOUR SPOT

Ted: Find a spot that’s off the beaten path, but not too inaccessible. You want it to be easy to get to, but hard to find. if people take the effort to find it, you’ve already succeeded in one way.

Alex: Decide when you want to ride your spot. The reason we chose the spot for BZ is because we wanted a zone where we could ride early season before the resorts open. It’s really high in the mountains, and on a north facing slope so it keeps the snow for a longer period of time.

Step 2 – BUILD STUFF!

Ted: Go up there with an open mind. With the right spot, you can build anything you set your mind to, but you’re not going to find the perfect spot with a checklist of things you wanted that are ready to go. Spend a lot of time just walking around the woods looking for things that would look like they would be fun to snowboard on. Then make them happen. Bringing your own rails is one way as well, just make sure it’s a good spot for em.

Alex: Decide the materials you want to use to build features. We use logs because they are available all around us. We don’t cut down trees unless they are dead already. If you use logs you need a good saw – chain or hand, a solid hammer, and the long 10 cent nails from Home Depot. Dig some post holes and use rocks and dirt to secure the support beams. It is good to so this in the summer while the dirt is soft, and by winter time it freezes and is rock solid. We also notch our support beams like a V so the top log fits in really nice, and finish it with a few solid nails and a good cleaning on the top part of the log.

Step 3 – KEEP IT GOING

Ted: You can start with just a few things. Just see what works/what doesn’t and go from there. It all comes with experience. After you have made a couple things, you’ll learn how to progress with building from there.

Alex: We tend to build our rails a fairly normal height so that we can shred early season with 3 inches of snow or a foot. Usually by December the resorts are open and the BZ gets buried. So if you want to ride it all year they should build there stuff pretty high so it doesn’t get buried.

Step 4 – Get TECH

Ted: you don’t want anything to fall out. try and dig in spots that aren’t too rocky. but you can also use rocks to your advantage to wedge things into the ground.

Alex: If you want Metal in your zone, the best way is to make it yourself at home, either in pieces if it’s pretty long, or just one if you can fit it on your moms mini van roof. Get your buddies and truck that bad boy up there.

Step 5- PARTY TIME!

Ted: Invite all of your friends and have a party. The more people involved, the better and easier it is. Just try not to blow up the spot too hard; stay respectful of the land and keep it clean. And as always, no marks, no busters, and no mark ass busters…

Alex: We like to have a solid camp fire zone for drinking beer and smoking dope, and a couple rules.

1. pack it in pack it out, NO TRASH.
2. No Skiers
3. Work to ride AKA shovel snow, build shit, cut fire wood. anything helpful.
4. have fun with your friends.

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When Jason Newman was 12, he accidentally tried to load his snowboard into the wrong gondola car. The lifty stopped him, saying, “Woah there, Hondo.” The name stuck and now at almost 27, most people don’t even know his real name.  Hondo’s day job is powering twsnow.com, but he’s also hard at work getting overalls to catch on in snowboarding and commenting on Yobeat as “The Red Haired Intern Jeff.”  Despite his busy schedule, he managed to take some time to answer our questions.

Do you feel like you’re living in Laura Austin’s shadow?

Yeah, it sucks, she does everything cool. I always get made fun of by Peter for having a job that a chick can do way better than me. She’s not better than me by the way, just making sure that’s clear. She’s just as bad, if not worse.

Speaking of, how did someone who can barely text get a job as a writer?

I got lucky. My skateshop closed and Preston asked me if i wanted to come back to HCSC and do their online content. Because I can write. I have a degree in English. So I went out there and happened to be riding the chairlift with Annie Fast one day, who was at that time the Editor in Chief at TransWorld and we got to talking, and she said she was looking for a new online editor, and I told her I’d applied. So we talked at the cafe, the one the Gremlinz hang out at in Gov’y, then she flew me out to So Cal and I interviewed there.  I think she thought I was Pat Moore’s manager, but I was just his roommate. I think she was bummed when she hired me.

How responsible for your success would you say Pat Moore is?

Well considering I’m not successful and I can barely make rent I’d say not very, ha. But for getting this job, 100%.

Why can’t you pay rent? Isn’t the life of a snowboard journalist glamorous and exciting?

No. Well maybe for some people, but not for me.  Maybe I’m just broke now cause of the switch in ownership, so our last check wasn’t direct deposit, and my mailman is a dickhead, and doesn’t give me my mail, and sent my check back to California. But I think I’ll be ok again soon. I think I get paid on Friday. I’ve also been drinking a lot so my money is gone from that.

Are you allowed to talk about the change in ownership? Or is that against corporate policy?

I don’t think I’m supposed to, but it honestly doesn’t seem any different right now.

What’s more exciting to you: being in a video on Transworld, or being in one of Pat Fenelon’s snap chats?

I deleted snap chat, so I don’t get to see how retarded I look, but I do know he sent one to Annie, so now she thinks I’m an even bigger moron.

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We tried to find photos of Hondo snowboarding, but apparently they don’t exist. This is close enough.

Do you think you’re relevant to snowboarding?

Not really. It’s funny. Like who cares what I think about snowboarding? I’m just some guy who’s not even good at snowboarding, that for some reason, gets paid to kind of give his opinion on snowboarding. But not really. Like I don’t even give my opinion. I have to say everything’s sick. When in actuality, most of it is whack as fuck.

Wait, so you’re saying the snowboard media is biased?

Of course it is.

Do you think the “merger” will alleviate some of that? Isn’t the idea for the mags to no longer compete against each other for advertisers?

Well it might, but not really. Competition is good. It keeps us from becoming lazy, and forces both mags to make stronger products.

Ok, so what do you think makes a magazine, or website for that matter, good?

It’s tough.  It has to be good, relevant content, presented in a nice way.  Look at something like Colour mag, or Desillusion magazine. Like the way those things look and feel — awesome paper, awesome interviews, cool photos. And all the shit that should be online, like news, or timely pieces are on their website. News in print media, unless it’s a daily news paper, is dated, and even newspapers are going digital.

As the online editor, do you have any say as to what goes into the mag?

Not really. I do a little bit for print, like check outs, and I wrote one story that’s coming out in our September issue on the Keep the Change crew going to Finland.

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Some might call his choices questionable, but whatever.

Do you regret getting a Pineapple Boys tattoo now that that’s not really a thing anymore? Or is it?

Ha, no way man, we all have the tattoos, it’s not going anywhere. I don’t really regret any of my tattoos.

Not even the Law and Order one?

Well maybe the fork knife spoon sailor jerry flash one, but even that one I’m more or less down for. I want more.

As a man of short stature, who are your favorite fellow short people?

I like Peter Line cause he’s short and cause he was the best snowboarder ever,  I like the dwarf from Nip/Tuck cause he got to fuck the hot mom. I pretty much like any short dude that gets chicks.

How about you? Do you get any chicks or are all those girls on your Instagram just trying to use you to get to pros?

Oh for sure just trying to use me for my friends. I don’t get down with any chicks, I wish I did though.

Do you think this interview will help?

I hope so. Do you? Most chicks that read this go to Hood. Chicks — I’ll be at Hood 6/28-8/3, holla at me.

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The master of the on-camera interview. Kinda.

Are you on tinder?

You know it. Tinder rules. I just got Bode into it. He’s down. I’ve never met anyone off Tinder though.

The Internet has obviously changed the snowboard industry and the media especially. Do you think it’s for the better?

No. I think snowboarding is one thing where technology has hurt it. It’s over saturated right now. Now every kid with a GoPro thinks he’s worthy to be put up on the main sites, on the main page. Snowboard videos used to be what got me stoked. Because they were all, for the most part, good. Now like one out of ten is good. And shit like instagram. Fuck instagram. Instagram’s fun, but when people take it too seriously, like what the fuck? You can’t even put in hyperlinks. Like how much is it really going to help you?  No kid has ever copied and pasted a link from an instagram  caption and bought a product. Instagram’s only fun to use when you’re drunk and clogging the feed, at least that’s what I like to do.

How often do you actually ride a snowboard?

I probably got 65 days on hill this season, but a lot of those days are watching a contest or sitting at a spot on a rail trip. But I rode my snowboard a good amount.

As someone who watched a lot of contests last year, what is that scene like? Do you think its important to snowboarding?

I like the contests cause there’s always parties, and chicks, and free booze. The X Games is the most fun week of the season.

So that’s a yes to the second part? Is going to a contest more fun than a rail trip?

Yeah, way more fun. First of all at a contest you’re guaranteed to see crazy snowboarding. And there’s after parties with sluts and free booze.

And what are rail trips like?

Ha, well the one I went on this year was retarded. Like 8 dudes in a one room apartment, eating shit food for 2 weeks and I’d just like chill. I’d shoot a few pictures, but that’s not really my shit,  so I’d chill and finally someone would get their trick after hours of trying. Blatt and I would sneak off so we could go get drunk every night in this expensive bar.

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Hard at work.

Did you ever have aspirations of going pro?

When I was in high school, sure, but I figured really quickly that I wasn’t very good. My first year out in Utah was real humbling.

Moving west will do that to an East Coaster.

Kids on the east are sick, but damn man, there’s a lot of good kids in SLC. But if you’re good, you can still make it. Look at Scott Stevens, he was the best on the east coast. Now he’s just the best.

Who are Hondo’s favorite snowboarders?

I like Bode, Nicolas (Muller), Scott, Tim Ronan and Grenier. Just my friends i guess, those are the people I get the most stoked on watching. Except Nicolas, I don’t know him.  I also really like Kazu and all the stonp crew.

Do you have any closing advice for someone who’s trying to make it in snowboarding – as a rider or in the industry or otherwise?

As a rider I’d just say get good, don’t be a kook, and if it happens it happens. You can’t force it.  And for industry I’d say, go to school, make friends with pros and other industry people, cause you’re not getting in unless you know people.

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Snowboarding was simpler in the 90s. Fewer people did it, the Internet hadn’t ruined it yet, and the popular consensus was to keep shit punk rock. Snowboarding was turning mainstream, and depending on who you asked, it was the beginning, or the end. For the riders who grew up in this magical decade and are still at it, there’s a bit of nostalgia floating around these days. Maybe because it hurt a lot less back then (getting old sucks) but mostly because that’s just kinda how things work. So, for you, my fellow 30+ board brethren, here’s 20 things that will remind you how old you are.

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1. You’ve answered the question “How do you stop on those things?” on a chairlift.

Snowboarding was accepted, but far from mainstream in the 90s. Our parents still assumed it was a fad and you’d often encounter incredulous skiers asking absurd questions. Hell, Transworld even made a shirt with the answers.

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2. You know TB stands for Totally Board.

While technically Fall Line Films was the first, the 90s were all about TB and Mack Dawg. Dawger was arguably more hip with younger riders, while the TB movies had lots of big mountain sections to fast forward through. But either way, you bought them both, every year.

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3. You remember thinking it was insane when Jeff Brushie signed a 1.3 million dollar contract with Ride.

But still thought it was cooler when he rode for Burton. “Selling out” was kind of a big deal back then.

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Brian Regis and Rahm Klampert. Pulled from the Yobeat photo archive.

4. You at one point wished you could ride the Killington half pipe (or you hiked it everyday – and night for the one season it had lights.)

See back then, the average halfpipes topped out at 12 feet and it was actually kinda fun. They were the 90s answer to the rainbow rail. Killington, in particular, had a solid scene of people who almost made it and the week before the Open everyone who was anyone would show up to “train.”

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Photo: Sky Chalmers via ESPN

5. You remember when the US Open was a drunken mess, and people actually cared about it.

Oh, and there were no bag checks.

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These suckers were guarantee not to break. Your ankles on the other hand…

6. You’ve ridden (or wanted) baseless bindings.

So much better board feel, dude.

8. Peter Line is kinda your hero.

Not only was he good at snowboarding, he had funny board graphics, and he was short enough to not be threatening.

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9. You rode a stomp pad before it was ironic.

And if you were riding Clickers, it probably came in handy when they froze, broke, or otherwise failed you mid-run.

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10. You had a Mack Dawg sticker pack, in its entirety, on the back window of your car.

It was a pain in the ass to scrape it off every September when the new one came out, but you had to keep that shit fresh, yo.

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Told ya, Lifty guys.

11. You’ve been denied access to a chairlift for not having a leash.

So you ingeniously rigged up a shoelace from your boot to binding to trick the lifty. Why anyone thought run-away snowboards might be an issue, we’re still not sure.

12. You thought Shaun Palmer was kind of a bad ass.

Now you know he actually is.

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13. You spent hours playing Cool Boarders 2.

But you never touched another snowboard game after Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater came out.

Screen Shot 2013-06-04 at 11.44.57 AMJim Rippey, big air master. Photo: air-style.com

14. You remember when guys didn’t land 720s every time in contests.

And when they did, they won the contest.

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Airwalk ad, circa 1996

15. You owned Airwalk Snowboard Boots

They were a big step up from your Sorels, but that’s not saying much.

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Prom ad. Circa 1995

16. Every girl who you knew that rode was sponsored.

Both of them. And Tina Basich was their hero.

17. You either loved, or hated the Garden.

Nothing in between.

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18. You can tell the difference between Ten Foot Pole, Pulley, No Use for a Name and Face to Face when you hear them.

Thanks to the music credits at the beginning of every part in videos, you had that shit down.

 

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Sweet pants dude. No idea who this is, it was an ad for something though.

19. You used a studded belt to hold up your absurdly baggy pants.

And weren’t even a little bit ashamed.

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20. You claim 93/94 was the best season ever.

Cause it was, duh.

bonfirejacket

LISTEN HERE:

If you’d prefer not to read, there’s an audio link at the bottom of the post. We recommend using it, but have no idea how to get it to show up higher in the post.

TODAY I’LL BE REVIEWING THE BONFIRE TAYLOR, A WOMENS JACKET IN THE 2013/14 BONFIRE OUTERWEAR LINE. COLLEEN WAS NICE ENOUGH TO GIVE ME THIS JACKET WHEN SAMPLES CAMP BACK FROM SIA AND I WAS STOKED TO GET IT CAUSE HAVING NEXT YEARS GEAR IS SO MUCH COOLER. THE JACKET IS PROTECTED AT 20K(WATERPROOF)/15K(BREATHABLE) — WHICH MEANS ALMOST GOOD ENOUGH FOR THE NORTHWEST AND TOTALLY FINE FOR EVERYWHERE ELSE, AND IS IN THE GOLD LINE, WHICH SOUNDS PRETTY SWEET IF YOU ASK ME.

jackettag

NEXT, THIS JACKET IS PURPLE. NOT LIKE LILAC, BUT MORE LIKE A PLUM. JUDGING BY THE FACT THAT I GOT A FEW ITEMS THAT COLOR THIS YEAR, I ASSUME IT WILL BE A HOT COLOR NEXT SEASON – TAKE NOTE IF YOU WANNA LOOK GOOD AND HAVE THE COOL KIDS KNOW YOU’RE IN NEW GEAR. AS FAR AS HOW IT LOOKS, YOU CAN ACTUALLY JUST SEE IT IN PICTURES.

cellpocket

IT HAS POCKETS. LOTS OF EM. THE MOST EXCITING WAS THE PASS POCKET SINCE MEADOWS INSTALLED THOSE AUTO SCANNERS THIS YEAR AND IT MADE THAT REALLY EASY TO USE. THE MAIN POCKETS ARE BIG ENOUGH TO FIT A BEER IN EACH AND THE BEST PART! THERE IS A PLASTIC-LINED POCKET IN THE INSIDE OF THE CHEST THAT, I SHIT YOU NOT, MAGICALLY HOLDS ON TO MY IPHONE. I SWEAR I WOULD HAVE LOST THAT THING LIKE 5 TIMES THIS YEAR (I ‘GRAM A LOT OK) IF IT WASN’T FOR THAT PLASTIC. OH AND THERE’S A GOGGLE BAG INSIDE WHICH IS KINDA REALLY USEFUL.

hood

ALSO, IT HAS AN ATTACHED HOOD. THIS IS A MUST IN THE NORTHWEST. IN OTHER PLACES I’VE BEEN STOKED TO BE ABLE TO TAKE OFF MY HOOD IF I WASNT USING IT SO IT DIDN’T FLAP AROUND. SO THAT’S THAT. THE ZIPPER DIDN’T COME UP EXCEPTIONALLY HIGH, AND SOMETIMES IT WOULD END UP IN MY MOUTH. I SUPPOSE I COULD FIX THAT BY CLOSING MY DAMN MOUTH. AT LEAST, MY FRIENDS TELL ME TO DO THAT ALL THE TIME.

pocketdetail

THE INSIDE IS PINK AND WHITE STRIPES. IT’S KINDA PRETTY. I NEVER USED THE POWDER SKIRT (BUT IT HAS ONE.) IT’S WARM ENOUGH FOR WINTER IN THE NORTHWEST AND  (DEFINITELY TOO WARM FOR A SPRING DAY, UNLESS YOU LIVE SOMEWHERE WHERE IT STAYS COLD.)

lemmybonfire

HONESTLY, I LIKED THIS JACKET. WHICH IS WHY ONCE I GOT IT, I KEPT WEARING IT UNTIL THE SEASON ENDED. BUT SINCE I WANT THESE REVIEWS TO BE AS UNBIASED AS POSSIBLE, MY BIGGEST COMPLAINT WAS THAT THE ELASTIC IN THE CUFFS KEPT COMING UNSTUCK MID DAY. I MEAN SERIOUSLY, CAN’T YOU GET DECENT VELCRO!?

LISTEN HERE:

thegrounds

Admittedly, I should have known better than to go to a Kamp, spelled with a “K” and hosted by a ski company in the middle-of-nowhere Washington. When they used a halfass temptation like “DJ Mullet is gonna be there!” I should have avoided it at all costs. But no. I’m a serious journalist and I’d been put on the media list so I had to go.

I arrived at Crystal Mountain at 10 pm on Friday to find a drafty pop-up tent blasting bad alternative music and skiers playing beer pong like zombies. One terrifying lap and I was headed to get back in the car, but an enthusiastic K2 employee noticed me before I had the chance. I was stuck.

tent

I was escorted to my room, which I’d be sharing with four skiers, and fellow media nerd Mary Walsh. I tossed my gear a top the firm top bunk, but it wasn’t time to go to sleep quite yet. I located the five other snowboarders, who hunkered down in a hotel room filled only with gross snacks and cans of Coors Light to avoid the mob of skiers. To pass the time, Nick Dirks was painting tattoo flash art at the table, while Pat Bridges, Harry Hagan and Mary were reading questions off Trivial Pursuit cards.

—-

rain

The sound of ski boots clomping around and Van Halen blasting from the tent were the official wake up call. We had to hustle out of our cells rooms to breakfast in the Washington drizzle, as it ended in 30 minutes.  I filled my plate with bready flapjacks and dry scrabbled eggs but only managed to down a half a pankcake. It was here I was issued my tracking device – a lanyard with my ski pass and schedule.

Faced with the reality there was absolutely nothing else to do here and “shred” (on the rock it was called recreation time I think) was scheduled from 9-noon, Mary and I met up with two of the other snowboarders — Josh from EB and Justin from Ground Zero — and headed up the hill, despite the ominous rain cloud hanging over the gondola. The limited terrain was mostly moguls, with a few long flat stretches which the slush was too slow and we had to unstrap. Even though I was soaked through in an hour, the “shred” portion would definitely turn out to be the highlight of the experience.

At dinner time we headed to the mess hall, where we found skiers being forced to mingle over pitchers of Coors light and dry pizza. Enthusiastic K2 employees circulated, hob-knobbing and rubbing elbows with owners of ski shops and encouraging everyone to get “as wasted as possible.” Sure that my tracking device would inflict damage if I tried to leave, I sat through an hour or so of “industry talk” before finally making a break for it.

thecell

In the room I found a sick Jake Kuzyk (who’d just arrived), Dirks and Harry watching the new Gremlinz video on a lap top. It was the scheduled “chill” time and we were all happy to get a break. But almost as soon as the 40-Year-Old Virgin came on TV, the door was thrust open with the announcement that the K2 boss guys wanted everyone in the tent. We were lined up by a kid in a mullet wig and K2 shirt announcing, “I’m the K2 intern, it’s my job to make sure you’re all partying!”

flatbeer

We trudged obediently down to the tent, where skiers huddled together in the cold, and the kegs barely pumped out flat beer. We’d been pre-assigned teams for the big beer pong tournament and the MC called out names, “Team Slayblade! Nick Dirks, Brooke Geery, come on up!” I did my best to hide from the calls, but they grabbed Nick and shoved him at a table before he could refuse. In my corner, I found a belligerent skier with bottles of booze offering to make “anything you wanted.” As long as it was whiskey or Pepsi.

blurpong

I thought about making a break for it right away, but my drinking had already commenced for the day — I couldn’t make it for a four hour drive. We managed to escape back to the room, and sat there stoically watching as Steve Carrell finally had sex. Around 11 pm we were still hiding out when, someone burst into the room. Terrified we were going to be forced to go back to the tent we shuddered, but it was just a random drunk skier. “Hey, is there any beer in here?! They ran out at the tent!” Beers in hand a fresh 24 pack on the counter we all turned in unison, “No!”

schedule

I don’t remember going to sleep that night, but before I knew it the ski boots were clomping again. I projected myself off the bunk, pinching my elbow in the process of grabbing my buzzing phone. It was Dirks and he needed to get back to Portland. This was it. My excuse. My big journalistic opportunity to get the fuck out of Crystal mountain. I didn’t care if my tracking device sounded. I was making a run for it. With all my stuff I turned my Subaru key for my triumphant return to freedom. Nothing. The battery was dead.

I don’t know if I’ll ever get out of Crystal Mountain.

Screen Shot 2013-05-15 at 2.05.44 PM

I recently did a little stint at a big corporation. For the sake of keeping it tight, I won’t say who it was. Anyway, one of the big “initiatives” was gaining Facebook likes. Having a lot of fans, after all, greatly increases your ability to spam them with your messages. Anyway, all sorts of different methods were used, from advertising, to posting quality content, to actually responding to people. And it worked, they got lots of likes.

But ever since last week’s Kitchen Nightmares seemingly ruined any chance of Amy’s Baking Company succeeding, the impending facebook melt down and ultimate social media faux pas has been quite entertaining. But you know, life can’t be all fun and games, so what serious lessons can we learn from this.

1. They went from 200 fans to 50k over night. So those pesky buggers are not always a good thing.

2. In the short term, a whole lot of people now know about some random restaurant in Scottsdale, and while it may seem horrible, people love to visit places they’ve heard about!

3. Nah fuck it, lets all just laugh at Facebook.

And don’t feel bad for them, maybe they’re marketing geniuses. Or FOX is behind the “hack.”