10 Reasons NOT to Move to Portland
Like Breckenridge in the 90s or Mammoth in the early part of this decade, Portland has become the hot spot for snowboarding. It’s an interesting choice, since the mountain is actually over an hour away, but it seems that being hip and urban is in these days. But as a Portland resident who has lived here since before it was cool (but not actually a native, those are like unicorns), I am here to tell you Portland is TOTALLY overrated. Here are ten definitive reasons why.
1. It rains
You’ve probably heard this rumor and it’s true. From Nov- March it rains pretty much every day. The worst part is all that rain is snow in the mountains, so you are pretty much ALWAYS forced to ride powder. Stupid northwest.
2. Affordable housing
It’s actually possible to buy a house here, and with that comes all the headaches of home ownership. You’ll likely end up a slum lord, renting out your house all of your dirt bag buddies and actually paying less than you would to rent. Damn that responsibility.
3. Really good, cheap food
Portland has more good, cheap restaurants than most places, which leads to two problems. The first is trying to decide where to eat, which can take longer than the eating itself, and two, you’ll probably get fat.
4. Cheap beer
PBR is kinda of gross, but in Portland, you will be forced to drink A LOT of it, as it is available at basically every bar for $2 or less. Also, you will probably turn into a drunk living here.
Summer at Mt. Hood. Photo Amy Galbraith
5. Year-round snowboarding
It’s nice to be able to get away from snowboarding every one in a while, but here, the mountain literally never closes (well ok, it does for like a week sometimes.) There are also four resorts on Mt. Hood to choose from (3 you would actually go to) and all these choices get exhausting.
6. Job opportunities
If you live in Portland, you might find yourself in a position that you actually want to get a job. Companies such as Bonfire/Salomon, Holden, Airblaster, Nike, High Cascade, Grenade, Atmosphere and more call the city of roses home. What is the world coming to when you get a job somewhere that you actually might WANT to go to work?
7. Cool people
Seriously, people here are so cool. So if you don’t like hipster bullshit, you’ll have to actually find a group of the normal people who lurk in the outskirts to be friends and ride with. There are plenty of them.
photo: Jared Souney
8. Tons of skateparks
If you’re a typical snowboarder, you probably think you like skateboarding, but are bad at it. So there’s a better-than-normal chance you will manage to hurt yourself skateboarding and then be out for the season thanks to endless free concrete parks.
9. You don’t need a car
Having a car is awesome. You can get a bitchin’ one that chicks will dig and will probably get you laid. But here, you can ride your bike and take the Grease Bus to the mountain. This will probably not get you laid (or if it does, it will probably be by a snowboard chick.)
10. We don’t need any more idiots
If you haven’t figured out by now that Portland is actually the greatest city to ever become “hip” in snowboarding, seriously, don’t move here.