My First Snowboard: A True Story

For years I have maintained my first snowboard was a Burton Ouija board. Back then, there was no cooler snowboard than this, with its moon and sun twin tips and conflicting yes/no message. And sure, I was about 4”6’ and 80 pounds, and the board was a 158, but damn it, that’s what I wanted everyone to know I rode in those earliest of days.

But I have a secret. I think only saw that Burton Ouija board sitting next to my actual first board: a hot pink Funky. The snowboards both belonged to the daughter of a friend of my father, who was under some sort of house arrest/rehab for dealing drugs, and wasn’t really using either of them.

Since we were a skiing family and I was a purple haired teenager, I was dying to start snowboarding. I begged my parents to buy me a snowboard and when these boards became available, I finally got my wish. But since the girl’s father hoped she’d get back on board soon, and wanted to hold on to the Burton. Only the Funky was offered for sale, and that’s what I got. I honestly can’t remember if my first runs ever, on the slopes of Burke Mountain, were taken on that Ouija board or not. At this point, I’ve been carrying the secret for so long, it’s sort of a blur. But I am sure that I brought home that Funky at the end of the trip and rode it in my backyard until I could almost make heelside turns.

There was one other snowboarder in my school back then, and at the beginning of the next season we headed to Okemo together. I could barely make it down the hill, so it really didn’t matter what I was riding, but he insisted I borrow his Burton PJ (a racing board) so he didn’t have to be seen with me and my Funky. I still remember the time spent sitting on my ass staring at that ridiculous PJ that made it so hard to ride fakie.

Eventually I bugged my parents enough and they got me a Burton Air 5.1 for Christmas that year. My Funky was given to a friend, who I distinctly remember cutting off the high backs with a hack saw because low backs were all the rage, and using cooking spray as wax. I lost touch with it after that.

With my Burton Air though, I was totally cool. I learned how to make it down the hill without side slipping, and continued to ride Burton snowboards until I was sponsored by Original Sin a couple years later, inevitably ending my affair with Burton. Ok, I still wear their socks sometimes.

It’s been a long time that I’ve been keeping this secret, but now that Burton has become what it has, I can finally admit the truth. That Funky snowboard is what got me hooked on snowboarding, and Burton had nothing to damn do with it.