How to Suck at Snowboarding (But convince people you don’t)
Snowboarding is not an overly difficult activity, but some people just possess a natural ability to do it better than others. If you are one of those “others,” you’re screwed. As a wise man once said, “Snowboarding is not about having fun. It’s about being good.” Let’s face it, that’s true, and people who tell you otherwise clearly suck. When you are good at snowboarding, not only do you look super cool, but you get more ass, tons of free gear, and needn’t have pesky responsibilities because you are getting so rich thanks to your talent. But since we can’t all do double corks and win the extreme games, there has to be another way. Allow me to present a few simple solutions for those who possess a less than stellar ability to shred.
1. Study up. There is an enormous amount of information to be gleaned from the Internet and annual product catalogs. Armed with this knowledge you can spam the Internet with informed hate comments and look like a super pro on message boards. People will assume you are amazing because you know so much. For bonus cred, start a blog and write stupid stories like this one!
2. Get the “best” gear, but then make it look shitty. (Run it over with your car, ride it into rocks, etc.) You should then spend most of your time on the deck of your local hill’s lodge, talking about how you can’t ride because your expensive Burton board is so thrashed due to you shredding it so hard.
3. Try really, really hard tricks. No one expects you to land that corked 10 every time, but if you are even trying it, you must be awesome. When you only get the 180 around, well, the take off was rutted and your edges are set up for rails, duh.
4. Get Hurt. The beauty of being hurt is you can’t go snowboarding. If you are not on hill for a legitimate reason such as a torn ACL or broken wrist, no one can argue when you say you are good. Just make sure you got that injury doing something badass, because if it was slipping out on a heelside turn, your jig is up.
5. Be friends with Nick Lipton. If he thinks you are cool, he’ll give you a Hump Day interview and then everyone will know you are awesome.
Now, for all of you who’s sarcasm* detectors are broken, commence the hate comments!
*Sarcasm: a new literary device where people say something they don’t really mean.
brooke i thought we banned you from ever writing again, that lasted a long time, just couldn’t resist putting pen to paper could you?? i’m sorry i meant digits to keys.
You stole my list. That injury thing worked like a charm! I technically was sliding a box, the embarrassing fall is besides the point. Now I’m in rehab from a snowboarding injury! Also, just mentioning a double corked 10 confuses people and makes them think you are better than them, on the mountain, and in life.
i broke my collarbone on schoolmarm… DAMMIT!
wait im confused.. So did I waste my money on all these feathers and dream catchers?
It was as if I was reading your words from my own soul… I don’t know whether to laugh or to cry.
Did you run out of stories again and pull this one from your bag of “i wrote this in high school”.
Brooke I wish you were a bmxer! Great article, i laughed my ass off
Loved this article. Just stumbled upon this and really enjoyed it.
Extreme Games eh…..
BAAAHAHHAHA
That just gave me a “Harold and Kumar” flashback..
“EXTREME CHEDAR!!! WOOOOOOO!!”
the shot on the right is from mountain creek – that place is definitely snowboardings reality.
wait… you’re joking?
i just sharted
hahah sounds like alot of chair lift conversations i’ve had with people
How to suck at snowboarding…
1. Be a hater & get your GED.
2. Create a website that makes you feel better about your butterface lack of skill (and make sure to care about everything that people who actually shred, don’t).
3. Make sure you’ve got lots of pdx-townie-street-girl cred so your main demographics of age 14 year old boys & 25+ industry hipsters think it’s dope (but not enough to get a real job, silly!)
4. Make money off banner advertising so you look like yet another sold out dche blog that started out with legit opinions and ended up selling out (but not as successfully) as those you write about.
5. Of course, make sure to monitor the comments for any negativity about yourself and remove it.
6. Hate the hater.
Wow. Now THAT’s some hatin’.
It’s not italicized so its not sarcastic.
lcd wat the fuck ———————D
Good god. That sounds exactly like Dylan Trewin
broke my acl on my heelys is that good enough
why is some try hard instagram boarder armfat slut writing articles on how to try to be cool n not even writing down the techniques she uses