30-Something Reasons Colorado Sucks

colorado

It’s often been commented, “Yobeat hates Colorado.” So much so that it’s become a running joke every time we feature a CO edit. Now, it’s not entirely to say that we, the staff of Yobeat, hate the place – it has a few redeeming qualities. Southern Colorado terrain is insane, if you wanna ride parks they’re some of the best in the country, and you get drunk way easier at 10,000 feet. But that’s where it stops. The following are all the reasons the Silver State sucks.

1. Bros

You’re sure to run into your fair share of bros at any ski area, comes with the territory, really. But Colorado boasts a special brand of arrogant, drunk, legally-high assholes. Granted most of them are on probably there on vacation from Indiana, but they choose Colorado! That’s gotta say something.

2. Skiers

Skiers are everywhere and for the most part harmless, but in Colorado, they actually think they’re cool because they ski.

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3. Long Traverses

Snowboarders at Vail literally ride with poles.

4. Lack of snow

Now I’m not talking about Southern Colorado, we all know Wolf Creek gets dumped on blah blah blah, but anyone who actually lives in Colorado can tell you those storms are few and far between. And half the time when it snows, the snow is too damn light to actually cover anything.

5. High Prices

$110 for a day ticket? $50 for parking? We’re good.

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6. High altitude

Summit County is based around 9000 ft. The base lodge at Silverton is at 10k. As we mentioned before, high altitude is great for getting drunk efficiently, but it also makes it hard to breathe, makes putting on your boots the hardest thing ever, and makes it hard to sleep. But the biggest issue with the thin air is you just can’t think straight, which may explain why everyone in Colorado is such a kook.

7. Never Summer

Oh you make your snowboards in the US? Cool story. Remember when they tried to patent reverse camber?

8. Shitty avy conditions

When and if it does snow, the Colorado backcountry is downright treacherous. Stay alive out there, kids.

9. Rich people

With places that are expensive comes the people that can afford them. Now, aside from the “corest” kids, most snowboarders do come from means, but I’m talking about the shitty rich people. The ones that look down on you just because you haven’t taken a shower in a week and you like to have a beer on the first chairlift. Yeah them. Fuck them.

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10. Nazi ski patrol

Cut a rope? Lose your pass. Go fast? Lose your pass. Have fun? Lose your pass. Now, as I personally know a ski patroller in Colorado who’s almost an alright guy, but there are just a few too many rules at the “big resorts” for me.

11. It’s cold as fuck

Oh cool, high of negative 5 today? Fuck you.

12. It’s flat as hell

This is of course, what causes the long traverses, but even the “steeps” of Summit County are ya know, pretty mellow.

13. Texans

They get even worse due to the lack of Oxygen.

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14. Oxygen Bars

I’ve never been in one, but I assume it’s horrible. I mean, they have them in Los Angeles.

15. It’s windy, everywhere

Again, flat + tiny little excuses for trees make for the whipping wind experience that is an every day occurrence.

16. The lift lines at Breck and Keystone

Ever been to either place on a weekend? Then you know. You are better off just crushing your own skull under a large truck.

17. The Traffic on I-70

You know what’s the best part of a day riding in Colorado? The six hours you spend in traffic in I-70 to get there from Denver!

18. General Overhype

Local pride is real, so we get it. You love where you live and that’s why you live there. But would it kill you to just be honest with the other people. Hell, maybe it would keep some of them away and solve two of the aforementioned problems.

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19. Vail Resorts

Nuff said.

20. Fake snow totals on the reports

Sure, maybe there are 7-inch drifts around your measuring stick, but what you actually mean is “a dusting.” While not entirely a exclusive-to-Colorado phenomenon, resort marketers seem to get extra creative in the Rockies.

21. 3.2 Beer

Yes, you can get real beer in the Liquor store or any of the 40,000 craft breweries, but damn it, I want to pick it up with my groceries, and that shit is 3.2. Worst part, unless someone tells you this, you can spend your whole vacation wondering why you’re not getting drunk, even at 10,000 feet.

22. Tourists on Weed

Tourists are the worst – always screwing up driving, getting lost, asking stupid questions. And in Colorado, they’re all high as hell. Good luck with that.

23. Every 13 year-old can double cork

It’s just not fair how good these little brats are.

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24. Angry Snowboarder. 

Just chill out, dude. Smoke some legal weed perhaps.

25. Legal Weed

It’s not that we’re not in favor of legal weed, as we just mentioned, but we’re pretty sure the feds blew up Leo’s just to prove a point. Not to mention the annoying bi-products that have come because of it such as dabs, oils, weed snobs, etc.

26. Mountain academy kids in general

Mountain Academies attract two types of people: rich kids who love to snowboard and rich kids who’s parents think they’re going to be the next Shaun White. And everyone knows, we don’t need another Shaun White.

27. Superpipes

Remember when we had 9′ halfpipes? That was fun.

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28. CU Boulder

Frat boys, college kids, and all the shit that goes along with that.

29. People from the Midwest think it’s the only place you can snowboard

If you’ve never left the grain belt, and your only impression of snowboarding is movies like Out Cold and Cloud Nine, you probably don’t know there are more mountains on the other side of Colorado. And why would you care?

30. Made-for-TV contests

Oh good, ESPN is in town. Let’s jack up the prices and block off the streets! Remember the Dew Tour, it wasn’t all in Colorado, but it was obviously Colorado’s fault.

31. Long boarders.

We already explained that one. Click the link.

32. Moguls. 

It’s a guarantee you will accidentally end up in a mogul field riding in Colorado if you don’t know where you’re going. And if you like riding moguls, well, I just don’t know.

32.5 Vail Resorts.

Yes, we know we already said that, but fuck. Come on, man.

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  1. KIM

    NO BRIGHTON…..no real snowboard resort ….ALL SKIERS / SKI RESORTS ….$$$ AND rich God dam ass hole skiers …..not good

  2. NS #1 right now

    DYLAN ALITO is the only good thing about CO. and he is banned from most of there resorts

  3. TOD RICHARDS

    Colorado / California .. the worst places to snowboard on planet earth … other than that they are cool

  4. LONG DONG

    killer……..LOVE YOBEAT–BROOKE …SNOWBOARDING any place but COLORADO

  5. Sigh..

    Take a look at abasins webcam on a Friday to see how many “rebellious” cows skipped work for some sick gnar gnar brah that got tracked in the first hour.

  6. ForgotAboutTrev

    The only time I’ve heard that term was when this guy lived at my house for a month. He was such a douchebag elitist goatee vaping kind of guy. He’d correct you on semantic things. We talked about the city’s unemployment rate and I said “it’s somewhere around 8%” He said “No, it’s 9%” Whatever, same difference. But he’d come back five minutes later after looking it up to make sure I knew he was right and I was wrong.
    Anyway, he had his snowboard out and I asked if he was goofy or regular. And he said “Goofy Mongo.” After he condescendingly explained mongo was pushing with the other foot, I said “yeah but that’s skateboarding, you’re strapped in to a snowboard.” He got defensive and blew up at me because he just couldn’t be wrong. He scoffed and said he pushes up to the chairlift mongo. But his snowboard was right there and I pointed out that his leash was on the right foot so he didn’t push mongo and he blew up at me.
    In conclusion, it makes sense he wants to be mongo because he’s the comic sans of people, seemingly unique but actually overused and ineffective.

  7. Spell better

    Their*
    You dumb fuck

  8. B

    It’s people like you that perpetuate the idea that CO is full of assholes who really have no culture and their idea of being well rounded is being an “expert” on craft beer. You have no tact. You are rude and lash out. Don’t know what is wrong with you people but grow the fuck up.

  9. Utah is number 1 all hardcore boarders live in Utah and wayyy better than PNW

  10. Garrett Joseph

    Colorado = Advanced Gaper Moves

  11. ZUCKERKRACK

    IT HAS BEEN A SLOW TWO YEARS FOR YOBEAT THEY DYIN

  12. ZUCKERKRACK

    THANK YOU 303HASNOSTEEZ SPOT ON

  13. repostafterrepost

    running out of content?

  14. tm

    Hasn’t a rendition of this been posted before? Are you guys that dry on content? Yes, Denver sucks. Yes, Summit County sucks. But have you been anywhere else here? Most importantly, have you seen Ben Lynch shred moguls? Cause if you have, number 32 would definitely not be on this list.

  15. T-Money

    Amen to this – Especially the asshole women out here (for the most part.) The only cool ones seem to be from CA or TX. Otherwise you have:

    1. The worst East Coast girls who are damaged upstairs and moved west.

    2. The sheltered and passive aggressive Midwest crowd (The absolute worst).

    3. The “bless your heart” Georgia liars crowd.

    4. The spoiled local CO girls who are so self absorbed it’s hilarious. Do they not realize they are just a bunch of rich hicks?

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