Writing – Photos – Travel – Crafts

Now available as a zine in an uber or lyft near you (as long as you’re in Portland and get in the one I’m driving.)

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Welcome to Portland! Hope you like eating, drinking and nature,  because we’ve got lots of it. To help guide you in your journey, I’ve prepared this list of the hottest spots you really must enjoy. We’ll start in my quadrant, Southeast.

If you’re in Southeast you’re in luck, most of the best neighborhoods in Portland are nearby. The closest to my house is Woodstock, a mellow 3 block walk away. Get teriyaki and Hawaiian at the newly-opened Ate oh Ate. For burritos you have two choices – the New Seasons burrito bar or El Gallo, which is closed Monday and Tuesday, but serves delicious white-person Mexican with a local flair. The Lutz is the best bar (in all of Portland imho) and has amazing food. Skip Primal Burger and get a Lutz Burger – you will not be let down. The Delta is pretty fun, they serve southern classics and 40s of PBR on ice, like champagne. A little bit further down Woodstock is Double Mountain, a Hood River-based brew pub with decent pizza and sandwiches. If you’re feeling healthy, Laughing Planet has great bowls and wraps, or go the complete other direction and get a sidewalk sausage from Otto’s. There are also a couple coffee shops, a grocery store, a couple Thai places (I prefer Tom Yum) and more so you may never have to leave. But if you do, check out Division- a slow-moving stretch of some of the best restaurants in Portland. There’s an amazing cart pod on 28th and Division and Double Barrel and the Landmark Saloon are both great places to go drinking. Hawthorne is a few streets north and this is where the people of Portland really let their freak flags fly. Tons of good food, second hand stores and free entertainment. Go walk west from 39th and lose a day. Whatever you do though, skip the line at Por Que No, it’s #overrated and if you’re craving Mexican I recommend Pepinos (baja style), Los Gorditos (three locations) or Aprisa. Mt Tabor is a bit to the east from here, a park situated on a dormant volcano with great city views, cool hikes, and plenty of Portland weirdos being weird. For nighttime entertainment I recommend the 30-35 blocks of Belmont, where you’ll find a bunch of bars, each with their own vibe. The Liquor Store has dj’s and dancing. Belmont Inn is a dive. Sweet Hereafter is a vegan bar with amazing cocktails and a seriously dangerous buffalo “chicken” sub that is worth hipster overload. Aalto lounge has a great $2 happy hour and Circa 33 has a hidden “speakeasy” in the back, though it’s usually booked for private parties, but you can sometimes get in on Thursdays.,

Southeast is also home to the best strip clubs – a unique portland experience I highly recommend. There are no covers, drinks are cheap and the girls are incredibly talented and fun to watch dance. It is normal and socially acceptable to hang out at Strip Clubs in PDX, so hit up:

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STRIP CLUBS

Devils point. Especially if you happen to be here on a Sunday when they host Stripperoake starting at 9 pm. You sing, the girls dance, a good time is had by all.

Sassys. A bit closer in this is a classic Portland establishment with multiple stages and good food.

Rose City strip. A “hard rock” strip club where the girls dance to Black Sabbath and Jawbreaker, B movies play on the wall and there are several nice pool tables.

Lucky Devil. Hit up Lucky Devil on Tuesdays for “Tiny Tuesdays” when all the dancers are under 5 feet tall.

Casa Diablo. Though not it Southeast, this is Portland’s most riske club and everyone will know you’ve been there when you try to spend the two dollar bills they give as change.

Acropolis. This place has a salad bar, and the owner is a cattle rancher so the steaks are good and cheap. I usually go here for breakfast.

BRUNCH

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Speaking of breakfast…. brunch! Bunch is the most important meal of the day but if you’re not careful, you can end up standing in line until it turns into happy hour. These are the places I recommend, which will have a reasonable wait time and still deliver on the quality food.

Bar Carlo- Half record store, half brunch spot, this place is so Portland, but has managed to stay off the radar enough to not be mobbed. I recommend the breakfast burrito, breakfast on a bun or the crepe of the day, but it’s all damn good.

Midpoint- This place is a small so do a drive by and make sure the parking lot isn’t packed with humans. If you do get in, get the fork mashed potatoes over the hash browns, I promise they’re the bomb.

Mehri’s- A little neighborhood joint with good food and an interesting crowd of old Portland locals.

Genie’s 2- Not to be confused with Genie’s this place is inside the Spaceroom on Hawthorne, has tons of seating and a huge patio.

Night Lite (weekends only)- Did someone say bottomless mimosas?

Dots- More all-you-can-drink champagne and OJ and outdoor seating with a highly entertaining parade of Portland bike nerds rolling by.

Dinner Spots

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 Slow Bar – The best hamburger in Portland.

Montage – A great place for big groups, Montage serves soul food and Mac and cheese, but more importantly wraps your leftovers in fun tin foil shapes!

Screen Door – You will have to wait, but if you’re craving southern, this place serves reasonably priced upscale cuisine that you won’t wanna miss.

Bete Lukas – Dope Ethiopian.

Mi Pueblo – The best sit down Mexican restaurant in Portland, although it’s actually in Clackamas. Be careful, the large margs are dangerous.

Du’s Grill – The best teriyaki in town, but it’s closed on weekends.

Kennedy School – An old elementary school that McMenamins has converted into bars, restaurants, a movie theater, soaking pools and more.

 Lunch Spots

The Whole Bowl - There are a few locations (the brick and Mortar is on Hawthorne,) but there’s only one thing on the menu. It’s a bowl with beans, rice, salsa, cheese, olives, cilantro and sauce and damn, it’s like eating a hug.

Chinese Delicacy – Venture out to 82nd Ave for the best $5.50 lunch special in town.

An Xuyen – Authentic Bahn Mi for under $4.

Little Big Burger – Fancy little burgers and truffle fries. Cheap and delicious.

Must See

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Rocky Butte – The best view of IKEA in town.

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The Rhododendron Gardens- A luscious spread of Northwest flora and tons of ducks and geese to chase.

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Multnomah Falls – One of the closest impressive displays of nature, though I warn you, the hike to the top is not really worth the effort. The best view is from the bottom.

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Mt Hood – Even if you don’t ski or snowboard, Mt. Hood is an awesome day trip. Travel into a winter wonderland (even in the summer there is lift accessible skiing.) Visit the Timberline lodge, which you may recognize from the Shining, and sip hot toddies by the far. If you do ski though, you have three choices:

Ski Bowl is the closest, an hour away. It’s a bit lower elevation so a lot of times the snow will be falling as rain, but if you hit it right, this place has the best terrain on Mt. Hood.

Timberline tends on the flat side, but they put up and very good park and the crowds never get that out of control.

Mt. Hood Meadows – The biggest resort on Hood, Meadows has tons of fun terrain and gets fairly consistent snow. The issue is it’s the choice resort of most of the city of Portland, so prepare to battle the crowds on weekends and holidays.

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Other neighborhoods to check out:

Downtown: Get happy hour any day from 4-6 or 10 pm on at Portland City grill. It’s on the 30th floor of big pink, which you can’t miss. Fun fact:  it’s not actually the tallest building in Portland – that honor belongs to the Wells Fargo tower. Go up to the Hoyt arboretum, the Rose Garden and the Japanese Garden and wonder at majestic nature, mere minutes from the heart of the city. If you like breweries the Pearl District has a bunch of them- Bridgeport, Rogue, Fat Head, Deschutes, Back Pedal and 10 barrel (the latter has a roof top balcony for when and if it ever gets nice.) There are also a few Mcmenamins properties on W Burnside. Once you’re good and liquored up, go get lost in Powell’s, a literal city of books. You’ll want to get Salt and Straw ice cream, but skip the line on Division/Alberta/23rd and hit the soft serve S+S in Pine Street market. It is a swanky indoor food court masterminded by some of Portland’s hottest chefs. You could even combine it with a trip to Saturday market, Portland’s weekly bazaar running weekends pretty much year round.

St. John’s : So far away (from everywhere) but home to a super cool bridge and Pattie’s Home Plate, which is a pretty epic diner.

Alberta : This used to be the ghetto 15 years ago, but now it’s an “Arts District.” Tons of good food spots and home to the Bye and Bye, a favorite local watering hole.

Mississippi: Lots of little shops and restaurants. Mississippi studios has shows almost nightly. And on Tuesdays Mississippi pizza hosts Bourbon and Bingo.

NW 23rd : The bougie shopping district if you’re looking to burn some cash.

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Since leaving the house is hard and rarely very rewarding, I’ve taken up the hobby of pet photography. It also helps that we have a pretty solid heard or creatures. So far the cats and the dog have their own instagrams, and it’s only a matter of time before the chickens do as well (though I should leave that one up to Jared.) Anyway, if you love adorable things follow @willisandtyra and @thelemmygram for more photos like this, plus occasionally witty captions.

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This is the Thug Krew. Follow them on Facebook!

People like to claim snowboarding as an individual activity, full of personal expression and all that nonsense, but truth is, it’s a lot more fun to do with friends. And since “fun” is a big deal in snowboarding right now, “the crew” is really enjoying its place in the snowboard spotlight. There are tons of crew video contests, crew movies, and even pro teams are pretending they all like each other for that together-y feeling.  But like everything in snowboarding, there are always gonna be certain crews that really stand out. Yawgoons, Lick the Cat, House of 1817, Footyfiend etc etc. What sets these guys apart from you and your homies? Well, there are a few things. Using this step by step guide, this season can be the year you guys break out and maybe even start getting free hoodies and beanies!


Hill City Squad – named after Duluth aka The City on a Hill.

1. A good name. Picking your crew name is key to your success. It should be something that’s easy to say, but just a little offbeat, so if someone Googles you they don’t get a bunch of unrelated bullshit. Pick an inside joke or if you’re really STUMPED, maybe you can get some tips from the Internet. Whatever you do, stick with it. Changing names often confuses everyone.


True fact: UKC has a “team manager”.

2. A leader. Snowboarders tend not to be the most motivated or organized individuals, so when you get them together, it’s basically like herding cats. You need one person in the group who can make the decisions, make sure shit happens, and otherwise keep your crew together. A lot of times they’re also the filmer, which brings us to our next point…


Dr. B is a leader and a filmer. The double wammy.

3. A dedicated filmer. There is no way you can be successful or relevant in snowboarding today without someone filming your every move. Ideally, they should be able to hold the camera steady, edit well and otherwise make all the hilarious antics and sick boarding they capture watchable. Bonus points if they’re some sort of weird character.


Tre Squad even lets a skier play and it works for them!

4. At least one good snowboarder. Don’t worry, many a snowboard career has been built on riding someone’s coattails. It’s awesome if all of your buddies kill it, but it’s more realistic that only one or two of you have above-average talent. That’s ok, just make sure when your footage hits the internet, that person has stacked tons of clips. Bonus: if they’re sponsored, the rest of the crew can leach off them and use their hand-me-down gear.


LTC- The Ultimate social networkers.

5. A digital presence. No one is going to pay attention to you if you’re not spamming them from every social network. Making a sick ass facebook page, get an instagram, twitter and even a blog. Think of it as a resume you can send out to potential sponsors and media outlets to show them how serious you guys are.

Finally, there are many other things you can do to make your crew stand out. Get matching tattoos, get a shitty van to live communally in all winter, get a black kid, whatever. We can’t give away all the secrets. We can tell you though, it’s best to start building up hype now so that you have lots of followers when the snow finally flies. Then it’s just a matter of living the dream daily and before you know it, you’ll all be snowboarding superstars, drowning in powder, pussy and product!

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A mere two weeks into his summer-long mission to exist in a van in Gov’y, Stan messed up a 360 on a side hit, sent it to his shoulder and broke his collarbone. Despite my explanation that collarbones are basically a useless bone and he should get a sling and head back up there, he’s too hopped up on pain killers to be of any use. Which means in order to give you, the public, the full experience this summer, I packed the van with Jared, Lemmy and Intern RJ and headed up to face the front lines myself. Here is what I discovered.

DylanThompson_DarcyBacha-640x426Dylan Thompson. photo: Darcy Bacha

1. The Brown Snow is Ok!

A lot of people have been noticing that the snow is looking awfully brown, awfully early this year. With all the gloom and doom about global warming, I wanted to set the record straight, so I asked Hood’s longest standing snowboarder, Tim Windell the deal. While yes, the brown in the snow is dirt, it’s not coming from the ground beneath the snow, rather blowing in off the nearby rocks. The windier the weather, the earlier the brown out. Tim predicts this will be an especially dirty August, so good to know if you’re into that sort of thing. And for the worrywarts like Al Gore, there’s about 180 inches of snow under the camps, so never fear, summer boarding isn’t going the way of the dinosaurs (yet.)

jakeJake Blauvelt enjoys a delicious volcano cone.

2.Pro Spottings.

As usual it’s a who’s who of snowboarding up there. If you’re into pros, the top dogs you may spot lurking right now include Jake Blauvelt (who’s nephew is also going to High Cascade), Leanne Pelosi, The Helgasons, Temple Cummins and Barrett Christy (their eldest son Colt is enjoying his second year at camp) and more. Speaking of little brats, Red Gerard and Toby Miller can be seen frequently terrorizing the streets on bicycles.

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Red Gerard gets the full hook up. Everyone else gets a deal too!

3. Street Vending is fun!

We posted up the Stan-less Van with some of the new Yobeat apparel including tanks, koozies and five panels (also available here) and harassed away. When High Cascade owner Kevin English walked up I thought we were busted, but he let us continue to pedal our wares. Thanks Kevin! Based on sales, we’re pretty sure the koozies are the must have accessory for summer and people definitely want to shut up and get rad while party boarding. Look for the van up there again soon and get your own gear, or pick some up at yobeatapparel.com

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Colton, Jesse and Andrew on the way to make the drop.

4. RIP Drake Aron Edwards

Since July 10th was Drake’s birthday (if you don’t remember he’s the High Cascade counselor who tragically passed away in a car wreck last winter) it was only appropriate to premiere Colton Morgan’s movie D.A.E. Under Dawgs, which was made in tribute to Drake. A board signed by everyone at High Cascade and more was also presented to Drake’s brother. As for the movie, we’ll it’s tons of awesome boarding by some of your favorite up and comers. “It’s about friendship,” Colton said, but when unable to explain what the meant Jesse Gouviea chimed in. “It means, riding and filming with people because you want to, not because you have to.” The movie will be out on DVD soon eventually so the rest of the world can see. However, when asked what a DVD was Colt also had trouble explaining.

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Wanna pick up babes in Govy? Get a puppy. Colleen Quiggley and Leanne Pelosi agree.

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These dudes should take notes. Ben Bilocq, Johnny Brady, Ted Borland and Chris Cloud.

Bonezone

Now that there’s no snow in the woods, this is actually a great time to start building your own spot. Everyone cool has one — a place where they can go work on their moves without the scrutiny of park hussies, as well as smoke weed with their bros and make sick edits. Here’s a guide to making that dream a reality.

First things first, you’re going to need a chainsaw. Since you’re poor, your only option is to steal one. Hopefully your dad has one, cause he’s the easiest target. Just get him drunk. The most sure fire way to make this happen is by being a giant piece of shit, so much so that Pops is forced to turn to the bottle to cope with what a piece of shit his kid is. A face tattoo is a good way to start. Now that you have an alcoholic father, things might be rough at first, but eventually he will pass out long enough for you to rummage through the garage and find a chainsaw. Good news, you now have a chainsaw. Bad news. Your dad is a mean drunk and you do NOT want him to realize you stole this thing. Things could get ugly. So your next step is to frame someone in the neighborhood. This is as simple as cutting down a tree in the yard of the neighbor your dad likes the least. He’ll have no trouble blaming them. Now you’re ready to head out into the woods and start building. Since we’re kinda useless when it comes to actually using our own two hands, we tracked down the purveyors of Utah’s most famous Bonezone, Ted Borland and Alex Andrews.

Step 1 – FIND YOUR SPOT

Ted: Find a spot that’s off the beaten path, but not too inaccessible. You want it to be easy to get to, but hard to find. if people take the effort to find it, you’ve already succeeded in one way.

Alex: Decide when you want to ride your spot. The reason we chose the spot for BZ is because we wanted a zone where we could ride early season before the resorts open. It’s really high in the mountains, and on a north facing slope so it keeps the snow for a longer period of time.

Step 2 – BUILD STUFF!

Ted: Go up there with an open mind. With the right spot, you can build anything you set your mind to, but you’re not going to find the perfect spot with a checklist of things you wanted that are ready to go. Spend a lot of time just walking around the woods looking for things that would look like they would be fun to snowboard on. Then make them happen. Bringing your own rails is one way as well, just make sure it’s a good spot for em.

Alex: Decide the materials you want to use to build features. We use logs because they are available all around us. We don’t cut down trees unless they are dead already. If you use logs you need a good saw – chain or hand, a solid hammer, and the long 10 cent nails from Home Depot. Dig some post holes and use rocks and dirt to secure the support beams. It is good to so this in the summer while the dirt is soft, and by winter time it freezes and is rock solid. We also notch our support beams like a V so the top log fits in really nice, and finish it with a few solid nails and a good cleaning on the top part of the log.

Step 3 – KEEP IT GOING

Ted: You can start with just a few things. Just see what works/what doesn’t and go from there. It all comes with experience. After you have made a couple things, you’ll learn how to progress with building from there.

Alex: We tend to build our rails a fairly normal height so that we can shred early season with 3 inches of snow or a foot. Usually by December the resorts are open and the BZ gets buried. So if you want to ride it all year they should build there stuff pretty high so it doesn’t get buried.

Step 4 – Get TECH

Ted: you don’t want anything to fall out. try and dig in spots that aren’t too rocky. but you can also use rocks to your advantage to wedge things into the ground.

Alex: If you want Metal in your zone, the best way is to make it yourself at home, either in pieces if it’s pretty long, or just one if you can fit it on your moms mini van roof. Get your buddies and truck that bad boy up there.

Step 5- PARTY TIME!

Ted: Invite all of your friends and have a party. The more people involved, the better and easier it is. Just try not to blow up the spot too hard; stay respectful of the land and keep it clean. And as always, no marks, no busters, and no mark ass busters…

Alex: We like to have a solid camp fire zone for drinking beer and smoking dope, and a couple rules.

1. pack it in pack it out, NO TRASH.
2. No Skiers
3. Work to ride AKA shovel snow, build shit, cut fire wood. anything helpful.
4. have fun with your friends.

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Snowboarding was simpler in the 90s. Fewer people did it, the Internet hadn’t ruined it yet, and the popular consensus was to keep shit punk rock. Snowboarding was turning mainstream, and depending on who you asked, it was the beginning, or the end. For the riders who grew up in this magical decade and are still at it, there’s a bit of nostalgia floating around these days. Maybe because it hurt a lot less back then (getting old sucks) but mostly because that’s just kinda how things work. So, for you, my fellow 30+ board brethren, here’s 20 things that will remind you how old you are.

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1. You’ve answered the question “How do you stop on those things?” on a chairlift.

Snowboarding was accepted, but far from mainstream in the 90s. Our parents still assumed it was a fad and you’d often encounter incredulous skiers asking absurd questions. Hell, Transworld even made a shirt with the answers.

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2. You know TB stands for Totally Board.

While technically Fall Line Films was the first, the 90s were all about TB and Mack Dawg. Dawger was arguably more hip with younger riders, while the TB movies had lots of big mountain sections to fast forward through. But either way, you bought them both, every year.

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3. You remember thinking it was insane when Jeff Brushie signed a 1.3 million dollar contract with Ride.

But still thought it was cooler when he rode for Burton. “Selling out” was kind of a big deal back then.

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Brian Regis and Rahm Klampert. Pulled from the Yobeat photo archive.

4. You at one point wished you could ride the Killington half pipe (or you hiked it everyday – and night for the one season it had lights.)

See back then, the average halfpipes topped out at 12 feet and it was actually kinda fun. They were the 90s answer to the rainbow rail. Killington, in particular, had a solid scene of people who almost made it and the week before the Open everyone who was anyone would show up to “train.”

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Photo: Sky Chalmers via ESPN

5. You remember when the US Open was a drunken mess, and people actually cared about it.

Oh, and there were no bag checks.

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These suckers were guarantee not to break. Your ankles on the other hand…

6. You’ve ridden (or wanted) baseless bindings.

So much better board feel, dude.

8. Peter Line is kinda your hero.

Not only was he good at snowboarding, he had funny board graphics, and he was short enough to not be threatening.

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9. You rode a stomp pad before it was ironic.

And if you were riding Clickers, it probably came in handy when they froze, broke, or otherwise failed you mid-run.

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10. You had a Mack Dawg sticker pack, in its entirety, on the back window of your car.

It was a pain in the ass to scrape it off every September when the new one came out, but you had to keep that shit fresh, yo.

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Told ya, Lifty guys.

11. You’ve been denied access to a chairlift for not having a leash.

So you ingeniously rigged up a shoelace from your boot to binding to trick the lifty. Why anyone thought run-away snowboards might be an issue, we’re still not sure.

12. You thought Shaun Palmer was kind of a bad ass.

Now you know he actually is.

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13. You spent hours playing Cool Boarders 2.

But you never touched another snowboard game after Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater came out.

Screen Shot 2013-06-04 at 11.44.57 AMJim Rippey, big air master. Photo: air-style.com

14. You remember when guys didn’t land 720s every time in contests.

And when they did, they won the contest.

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Airwalk ad, circa 1996

15. You owned Airwalk Snowboard Boots

They were a big step up from your Sorels, but that’s not saying much.

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Prom ad. Circa 1995

16. Every girl who you knew that rode was sponsored.

Both of them. And Tina Basich was their hero.

17. You either loved, or hated the Garden.

Nothing in between.

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18. You can tell the difference between Ten Foot Pole, Pulley, No Use for a Name and Face to Face when you hear them.

Thanks to the music credits at the beginning of every part in videos, you had that shit down.

 

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Sweet pants dude. No idea who this is, it was an ad for something though.

19. You used a studded belt to hold up your absurdly baggy pants.

And weren’t even a little bit ashamed.

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20. You claim 93/94 was the best season ever.

Cause it was, duh.

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With the snowboard industry in constant turmoil, there’s a good chance that at some point you’re going to lose that cushy industry job you lucked into. Not sure if you’ve talked to “the kids” lately, but they’re all gunning for you and will gladly work for well below the poverty line (instead of at the poverty line like you, you greedy, greedy bastard.) Anyway, whether you’ve been laid off, let go, or just plain shitcanned, your friends at Yobeat (who’ve invented their own industry jobs) are here to help, as usual.

The Bad News:

You have no money saved and since you probably were hired as a “contractor” the government won’t do shit for you. Except for Food Stamps, you can probably get those if you try hard enough. So this means you’ll need to find another job immediately, and as it turns out, the skills you’ve learned in the snowboard world are completely useless in the real world. No one at “insert name of big time marketing firm here” cares about the community of 5000 dedicated fans you managed. Sorry.

The Good News:

You’ve already made it into the snowboard industry, which means, you’re now qualified for ANY other job open in the snowboard industry. Oh, you packed boxes? Well apply for that open Marketing Manager job. That hands-on product experience you have is probably exactly what they’re looking for. Oh, you were a Team manager? Why not try outside sales? Shops are much easier to wrangle than team riders. You get the idea.

The important thing in this time of personal growth is to stay positive! Think of it as an opportunity rather than a set back and remember the best news of all. Worst case scenario, you can always go back to being a ski bum!

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The final mogul run in VT. Photo: My Mom

The season is ending, and unless you’re stupid and don’t like snowboarding, you’re kinda annoyed about it. Sure, you can pretend to like skateboarding or talk about how much you like summer, but the truth is, it sucks when you can’t go snowboarding. Personally, I have a minor break down every year, and I actually live in a place you can snowboard year round. Anyway, this is my first column (I decided to give myself one) and I’m going to use it as a coping mechanism. Accordingly, I will make a list of everything that annoys me when I go snowboarding.

  • People who can’t form groups of the number of people that fit on the chair.
  • People that can’t merge in the lift lines.
  • Lift lines.
  • When the snow is too sticky to move.
  • When rocks get into fields of powder.
  • Snow snakes.
  • When the chairlift drips on your outerwear (Northwest problem)
  • The price of lodge food
  • Skiers pole planting back and forth on a straight away.
  • When they charge you to use a screw driver
  • When the screw drivers outside are stripped and your binding is loose
  • When you lose a strap and don’t realize it until you’re at the top of the mountain.
  • When it’s flat light.
  • When someone cuts you off and you were on the way to do something cool.
  • Skiers that stand on landings.
  • Parking far away.
  • Skiers being cool now.
  • Snowboarders that sit on landings.
  • People side-slipping down powder.
  • People going off a cliff or chute and taking all the snow with them/creating a bomb hole.
  • When it’s so cold your skin hurts.
  • When you drive all the way to the mountain and realize you forgot your boots.
  • Skiers.

Actually, I could go on all day (I’m easily annoyed, ok) but you know what? I feel strangely better. Maybe a break from snowboarding will do me well. And like I said, Mt. Hood is open and just up the road. Phew. Thanks for listening guys.

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Every since the Too Hard teaser included a girl tossing a bloody tampon, it seems even male snowboarders are aware that girls bleed once a month. It’s ok, it’s just nature and it’s what makes childbirth and the continuation of life possible. But that doesn’t mean it’s not icky for dudes to think about, a pain in the ass for girls to deal with, and most importantly, a bummer when you’re trying to get some snowboard action. Between dealing with cramps, being an even bigger bitch than normal, and trying to protect your long underwear from gross stains, it’s probably the most serious problem facing women’s snowboarding today. So as a fellow female and long time menstruator, I’ve decided to put together a handy guide for snowboarding with your monthly visitor.

 

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Medical.

Pat Bridges is convinced that you are more likely to tear your ACL while menstruating. He’s told me and every other female snowboarder about it on multiple occasions, which makes it true, right? Actually, the truth according to science is changes in your estrogen levels make you more prone to knee injuries around the middle of your cycle, which means, when you’re bleeding, you’re in the clear! So go out there and twist your knees as violently as you want as long as there is blood coming out of your vagina.

 

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Equipment.

Choosing the right feminine hygiene products can make all the difference. First off, maxi pads are out. What are you, 12? As for tampons, there are two schools of thought on this one — with applicator or without. The applicator free tampons are smaller and easier to store, but hell, you’ve got a waterproof jacket with pockets, so does it really matter. Best bet, go with something wrapped in plastic and with a plastic applicator, just in case your taped-seams fail. No one wants a fully soaked tampon expanding in their pocket while they ride.

 

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Advantages.

So there are lots of things that suck about having your period, but like most things in life, there is a bright side. In the male-dominated world of snowboarding, this it is a gross and mysterious process that most dudes don’t want to talk about. So, when there’s an annoying dude hitting on you in the ski town bar? Start talking about it. Trust me, they’ll leave and you can go back to drinking away the pain of cramps.

So there you have it. No more excuses, and no more complaining. Boarding on the rag is still a day boarding, and there’s really nothing wrong with that.

Well, we’re in a silly internet voting contest (with a hefty cash prize) and against out better judgement and internet etiquette we just sent out a newsletter pandering for votes (no hard feelings if you unsubscribe.) Anyway, one response to our pleas was extra entertaining, so we figured we’d share. And hey, if you’re so inspired, click the link and vote when you’re done here.
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ryanemail

Sorry about that Ryan,

Here are all your submissions from the past year or so, in the order we’ve received them, most recent first. Now, will you pretty please vote for me in the Mini Creative Use of Space Comp here?

Love, Brooke

Oh, PS. Never say never.Screen Shot 2013-03-26 at 2.42.18 PM

PPS Sorry, forgot one.